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Life Purpose

Operation: What the Heck is wrong With Me?

This past week I went to 2 different doctors.  Trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me, ya know.  

And both times they don't have much of anything to say.  At all, really.

Heck, my head is dried out and I flake so bad with dandruff that it embarasses the daylights out of me when someone notices and decides to dust my shoulders off.  For years this has been happening.  So what do I do?

Go see a dermatologist for the first time ever.  

What does she tell me?  Some big name otherwise known as 'extreme dandruff'. 

Gratefully she gives me a script for a shampoo and acne cream that has to be prescribed by a doctor. Yet, my pharmacy doesn't have any in stock...so here I am. Waiting to get it again. Ok.

Then Friday, I 'self referred' myself to see an endocronologist.  Question:  Why is it that staff at a doc office looks at you funny when you tell them that you weren't referred by another doctor?  I mean, I want to get to the bottom of my issues-so why would I go to my family doctor who keeps telling me that I'm fine?  

Yeah.  

Anyway...so I see the endocronologist with hopes that she can help me understand why I'm losing so much hair, why I've gained a sh*t ton of weight and why I can sleep walk at any point of the day... I get this asinine answer.

She could barely speak English and she tells me that I'm going to struggle with my weight for the rest of my life.  And I should really consider bariatric surgery if I don't want to deal with this pressure.

REALLY?!?!?  She's totally kidding with me right? 

Why on Earth would some broad tell me that.  

I said to her 'don't they gain it all back?' and her response was 'well-those that get the reversible surgeries but not the permanent ones.'

Then she tells me to try Alli but be careful because if I fart I'm going to sh*t on myself.  

REALLY?!?!?!?!  

Here I am, on this QUEST to get healthier and avoid pills, potions & lotions to feel better - sleep - be thinner...you know.  BE NORMAL.  And I'm told that I need surgery and take pills. 

WTF IS WRONG WITH OUR HEALTH SYSTEM?!?!

Seriously.

Maybe I need to hit up my Spirit Recovery crew again and see a Shaman to feel better.  Ugh.

Off to eat a bowl of icecream and cinnamon rolls. - Self medication is better than the ones prescribed by doctors ya know.

Then & Now

Yes. My dog is sitting on my tree skirt.

Then & Now

 

You know how life changes sometimes?

I've been thinking a lot.  (Imagine that, right?)

Well, everytime I step out of my shower....I look straight into a picture frame filled with pictures of a person that I don't know anymore.

Actually...a whole lot of persons I don't know anymore.

They are photos from my wedding.

Don't mind the creepy Santa. Check out his little smile!March 3rd, 2007 weekend.  In Key West, Florida.

A time that prior to this past year I would say was the best weekend of my life.

Now?  

Not so much.

I guess because I'm really starting to look at things differently.

And being able to let go of the past easier.

You see...those people in those photos have all faded away.  Every single one of them.

My beautiful living room.Except for my husband and I.

Those people?  I honestly can say they're people that I don't know nor care to get to know anymore.

Those people were my 'friends' at the time of our marriage.  Or at least..so I thought.

It's really sad when I look at those pictures.  

Cause I can look into the eyes of the ones there and know what happened next in their lives.

I can't even really go into detail here because for one.... my husband would shoot me for talking about others. 

I still can't believe I made that. Pinch me.But two...even though I have no interest in those people..I don't want to disrespect them.

Let me just put it this way.  One has died....one has been to rehab twice and almost died.  One lost their husband before the wedding being left with an infant and a toddler.

There were 60 people at our wedding.  And when you take out our families...that leaves about 20 or so friends.

It's so weird to think about it.  Because as I look into those pictures when i step out of my shower...I hold and harbor resentment against so many of them.  Because when I was at my lowest in life...they probably wouldn't have spit on me if I was on fire.

Or at least at that point in my life...I felt that way.

They hadn't 'fallen' yet.  So through their eyes, I was a miserable mess.  They didn't want to deal or care about what was going on with me half way across the country.  They all had 'better' things to deal with. 

Funny.  Cause when their insanity came up and they were grasping at straws...there was no one there to help them pick the long straw.  And in a way?  For a few of them I got this 'See asshole.  You sure aren't as perfect as you thought you were afterall' mentality.

Warped-I know!  I swear.  It's my thinking again in this Gemini head of mine.

I think about them a lot.  

I miss one dearly.  So much so that I probably think about her once a week.

She'll never return though.  And I feel like a sense of me could have helped her.

We could have helped each other.

But I'll never get that chance.  

Another?  Was my best friend.  Or so I thought.  The other?  Was my husbands best friend. Which he still is.

But I don't want anything to do with that person.

I know this sounds so harsh.  Cause in reality it is.

But 4 out of the last 5 years of my life...all I wanted to do was to be that girl again.

The one I see in the picture when I walk out of the shower.

I loathed to her be her so badly that I never really looked at the big picture.  

You know... the ones who were surrounding me there.

To them it was all just a party.  

Heck..to my husband even it was a party.

To me?  I knew that weekend was going to change my life forever.

And here I am.  Sitting in my comfy chair.  Lights flickering on the mantle and shining from the top of my gorgeous Christmas tree.

In a house that a year ago I called a 'coffin'.  A place where people go to 'die'.

Holy Morbidness-I know, Batman.

But at one point in my life?  I felt like I was dying in here.

But in the past year I've really opened up my awareness.

And looked into the Light.

And now?

Instead of seeing things for what I think they should be......

I see things the way they really are.

Because I continue to look into the Light.

 

What is my purpose? Part 2

What is my purpose? Part 2

Geez.  This purpose thing is painful.

Here I am.  AGAIN.  

It's 12:35am and I flipping just ate 4 chocolate chip cookies.  

God only knows how many I've had of those bitches all day.

I don't understand WHY I CAN'T JUST STOP EATING EMOTIONALLY!!!!

Well, maybe I do. 

Cause I stopped drinking emotionally.

Hello switch hitter. 

HAVE A PIECE OF CAKE.

It is a constant battle in my head that I just can't stand. 

One day-I want to lose this weight more than anything ever.

The next minute I'm baking chocolate chip cookies justifying that I'm trying to start my holiday baking early.

What?

Who does that?

It has to totally be because I'm a Gemini.

GEMINI TRAITS:   

Some of the more common positive signs associated with a Gemini is that he or she is highly adaptable and versatile, has great communication skills, intellectual, and youthful in appearance.  If you have ever come across someone in passing or at a social gathering who seemed to be the life of the party, chances are he or she was a Gemini.  Geminis possess a certain quality that allows them to communicate verbally as if it were effortless.  Also, Geminis are witty, eloquent conversationalists, which seem to draw other people to them.

That all kind of sucks when I really think about it.

Cause my own husband has been known to say 'you use to walk in a room and heads turned...what happened to that person?'

Really, dude?

Tonite I was texting my little sister.  

Sh*t.  I can't call her my little sister anymore.  

It was brought to my attention that she's 29.

TWENTY-NINE.

I was happily planning my marriage when I was 29.

I was hosting a morning radio show in CHICAGO..the 3rd largest market in the country when I was 29.

Hell.  I wore a size 10 when I was 29.

And here I am.  34.

I had to ask her twice if she REALLY was 29.

I guess I rudefully (if that even is a word) forgot.

I even said 'wow.  I wasted away the past 4 years of my life'.

Yeah.  I can admit that.

Yeah.  I have so many regrets.

But you know what?

That's ok.  I can feel the 'burn' once in a while.

But in the end?

I may have washed the past 4 years away with my tears...but I have the rest of my life to make them right.

It's pretty wild how far I've come in the past year when I really think about it.

I think at times it kind of scares my husband.  I think that he got so use to me being the 'whack job' that I was that it was just part of the game.

And now?  Now I seem to have my head on straight. 

I'm living in the present. 

And not dwelling on the past.  

Who I 'was'.  What I 'was'.  

While talking to my younger sister today I mentioned that I took my 'thin-ness' for granted when I was there. 

I kept all of about 80 pounds that I lost off for a good 9 years. 

And I've been fat again for a good 4 years.

That's sucky, ya know.

When I was thinner, I thought I was fat.  Hell, I'd give my turkey leg thighs to look like that again.

Maybe.

isn't it pathetic how for women it's human nature to want what we don't have?

I wanted this house with a picket fence.  And my own recording studio in the basement where in between diaper changes and loads of laundry I'd go and bust out a few commercials with residuals in the thousands.

All in a days work, right?

Ever since I got back from Mexico, I've had such a procratination like f*ck it attitude.

I have stuff I could be doing.

Stuff I SHOULD be doing.

But instead I've been dealing with days like today.

Where I made chocolate chip cookies, at my face off of them and watched Celebrity Rehab - Where Are They Now reruns.

With about 4 videos and 12 blog posts that need to be written in order to pay for my office rent.

That I JUST had to have you know.

(((Sigh))).

I feel really good that I have this SECRET little 'Real Mom Life' compartment that I can come and vent to, ya know.  Cause no one really knows it's here.  And I can REALLY say what I want.  And I like it.

Until my cover gets blown and my inlaws get pissed that I'm bitching about my husband too much. 

Oh well.  So is life.

My purpose right now is again to go to bed.

Peace.