Friend or Foe
Here it is. Saturday morning.
And I already hit the 'blubbering mess' button.
I guess this kind of goes under the 'resolution/goals' category.
I made a list of things I wanted to start doing for myself this year. And tried to opt out of the 'lose weight/get healthy' goal bologna.
Till this week when I stood on the scale and the number read. Ahem.
My weight upon delivery.
No. Not delivery of like ordering out. Like DELIVERY OF A HUMAN BEING.
So needless to say... I freaked a little bit. Cried a bit. Called myself names a bit. And well, went on with my day.
Then as I pondered it throughout the day as I think about weight and food like I do everyday I knew I had to take it one step further. One of my 'starts' was to 'Compete against an earlier version of yourself.'
I gotta do something about it.
Cutting to the chase here...I decided to do what I did 2 years ago when I lost 30 pounds. It worked. I did great. But at that point in my life-I'll admit I wasn't exactly mentally stable. I was into pretty deep the post partum depression and ate my way back into a stable mentality. Ahem. Well...at least not as mental.
I get all the blah blah blah 'Make small changes. It has to be a lifestyle change...blah blah.' My life changed - and my style changed in a bad way. PASS NO JUDGEMENT PLEASE. I get it. I've been successful with the 'lifestyle change' in my life. And kept that weight off till I got pregnant then all bets were off.
So I know all about that 'lifestyle change'.
I decided last night that I was going to make a goal board and put it on the fridge or pantry door.
My heart sank thinking about going to look through old pictures to find the ones of me where I was 'content' with myself. And as I closed my eyes, I made myself say out loud 'I'm not going to look into the heart of that person in the photograph-I'm going to just focus on the cosmetic side of that person.'
Oh hell. Who was I kidding? I mean really. Did I REALLY think that going back into the pictures of what I consider to be the most content time of my life was going to make me feel good about who I am right now and who I want to to be?
It started out ok. But ended in my dog licking the tears and snot from my face.
It started out with looking at pics of me. You know...out with friends, having fun. Thinking 'yeah, I'm a hottie-lookin good-check out those arms-wow did I use to work hard at the gym then'..... What you do in your 20s, right? Then I decided to get out the pack of pictures of my husband and I before we got married.
And I lost it.
Totally lost it.
My mind replayed all those memories in my head. And I thought to myself...look how much fun we use to have. Look at how gorgeous i was. Look at how he hasn't even changed a tiny bit since then.
And my heart broke.
Thinking about the years 'post marriage'. How hard the past 5 years have been for us.
And the first thing I thought to myself was....
'Wow. We are going to by married for 5 years in a couple of months. I can't believe we made it through all the things that happened over those years.'
And as I cried a little more. Mourned a little more at the sight of those pictures of who I 'use to be'. I felt a sense of comfort take over me. Something that I've never felt as I looked at those pictures years past. Heck. I hardly ever looked at them before because the pain and sadness they brought back to me.
But the comfort that came over me was a sign that I'm a stronger person today. I'm a more determined, focused, joyful human being today.
I laid out those pictures....took a few pictures...and then my phone rang.
It was my husband calling to tell me they were on their way back from soccer practice this morning.
And as I asked Boston 'Was it fun? How did you do?' He proudly told me that he got knocked down by two boys and cried. But that he got back up and scored.
Even though my life is different today....I can learn a thing or two from my 3 year old kid.
Even though I got knocked down from depression, weight gain & looking at those damn pictures of the way I 'use to be' - I'm gonna get back up and SCORE.
Good start to my list of 'competing against an earlier version of myself', don't you think?