What is my purpose? Part 2

What is my purpose? Part 2

Geez.  This purpose thing is painful.

Here I am.  AGAIN.  

It's 12:35am and I flipping just ate 4 chocolate chip cookies.  

God only knows how many I've had of those bitches all day.

I don't understand WHY I CAN'T JUST STOP EATING EMOTIONALLY!!!!

Well, maybe I do. 

Cause I stopped drinking emotionally.

Hello switch hitter. 

HAVE A PIECE OF CAKE.

It is a constant battle in my head that I just can't stand. 

One day-I want to lose this weight more than anything ever.

The next minute I'm baking chocolate chip cookies justifying that I'm trying to start my holiday baking early.

What?

Who does that?

It has to totally be because I'm a Gemini.

GEMINI TRAITS:   

Some of the more common positive signs associated with a Gemini is that he or she is highly adaptable and versatile, has great communication skills, intellectual, and youthful in appearance.  If you have ever come across someone in passing or at a social gathering who seemed to be the life of the party, chances are he or she was a Gemini.  Geminis possess a certain quality that allows them to communicate verbally as if it were effortless.  Also, Geminis are witty, eloquent conversationalists, which seem to draw other people to them.

That all kind of sucks when I really think about it.

Cause my own husband has been known to say 'you use to walk in a room and heads turned...what happened to that person?'

Really, dude?

Tonite I was texting my little sister.  

Sh*t.  I can't call her my little sister anymore.  

It was brought to my attention that she's 29.

TWENTY-NINE.

I was happily planning my marriage when I was 29.

I was hosting a morning radio show in CHICAGO..the 3rd largest market in the country when I was 29.

Hell.  I wore a size 10 when I was 29.

And here I am.  34.

I had to ask her twice if she REALLY was 29.

I guess I rudefully (if that even is a word) forgot.

I even said 'wow.  I wasted away the past 4 years of my life'.

Yeah.  I can admit that.

Yeah.  I have so many regrets.

But you know what?

That's ok.  I can feel the 'burn' once in a while.

But in the end?

I may have washed the past 4 years away with my tears...but I have the rest of my life to make them right.

It's pretty wild how far I've come in the past year when I really think about it.

I think at times it kind of scares my husband.  I think that he got so use to me being the 'whack job' that I was that it was just part of the game.

And now?  Now I seem to have my head on straight. 

I'm living in the present. 

And not dwelling on the past.  

Who I 'was'.  What I 'was'.  

While talking to my younger sister today I mentioned that I took my 'thin-ness' for granted when I was there. 

I kept all of about 80 pounds that I lost off for a good 9 years. 

And I've been fat again for a good 4 years.

That's sucky, ya know.

When I was thinner, I thought I was fat.  Hell, I'd give my turkey leg thighs to look like that again.

Maybe.

isn't it pathetic how for women it's human nature to want what we don't have?

I wanted this house with a picket fence.  And my own recording studio in the basement where in between diaper changes and loads of laundry I'd go and bust out a few commercials with residuals in the thousands.

All in a days work, right?

Ever since I got back from Mexico, I've had such a procratination like f*ck it attitude.

I have stuff I could be doing.

Stuff I SHOULD be doing.

But instead I've been dealing with days like today.

Where I made chocolate chip cookies, at my face off of them and watched Celebrity Rehab - Where Are They Now reruns.

With about 4 videos and 12 blog posts that need to be written in order to pay for my office rent.

That I JUST had to have you know.

(((Sigh))).

I feel really good that I have this SECRET little 'Real Mom Life' compartment that I can come and vent to, ya know.  Cause no one really knows it's here.  And I can REALLY say what I want.  And I like it.

Until my cover gets blown and my inlaws get pissed that I'm bitching about my husband too much. 

Oh well.  So is life.

My purpose right now is again to go to bed.

Peace.