What is my purpose?

Funny. I think. You? hahaHere I am.  

December 5th.  

And it's like 5am.

I randomly woke up with a toothache.  And without wanting more pain I got out of bed and came downstairs to take some aleve.  Man alive.  There aren't many more things I don't like more than going to the dentist.  I honestly think because I've had a few bad experiences that make me cringe, break out in hives and get mega high blood pressure with the thought of going to the dentist.  

Last time I went the told me they would 'try' and fix it without having to get a root canal.

Yeah.  Not sure they really tried enough.  Or my mouth just isn't having it.  One or the other.

Since Boston has been born my mouth has honestly been a NIGHTMARE.

Ok. Where am I going with this?

Oh yeah.  So after gulping down a couple aleve I grabbed my computer.  

I know you don't believe me.  But I've been trying hard not to be so 'into my computer' this past month.

Probably since I got back from Mexico...I've really been this way.  Going through the motions making it day to day.

Anyway, as I sat down an email came through from Gwen Bell.  I can honestly say, I don't know her very well.  I came across her reverb project last year-I think.  Maybe the year before. Not sure.  And I never 'un'subscribed from her.  So today, I read she moved to Mexico.  I haven't really gotten the gist of why or when.  But she seems to make a lot of 'cool' changes in her life.

I was reading her post from today and there was a link to this page.  Random.  I know. 

Now that I've nearly given you 300 words to explain the title of this post. hahaha

The exercise says "How to Discover Your Lifes Purposes in about 20 Minutes".

Then it says here's what to do:  

  1. Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
  2. Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
  3. Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
  4. Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.

Here goes.

To be a good person.

To teach my child to be a good person.

To help others.

To be a light wherever I am.

To make people smile.

To smile. 

To love my life and all the opportunities this world has given me.  

To help others.  

To live.

To be present in everything I do no matter what the circumstances, deadlines, interruptions-any of it.  BE PRESENT.

To stop looking for the 'next big thing' or the 'thing' that I think will give me complete purpose but to experience everything with a  sense of joy.

To learna  new language. 

To help others.

To give.

To live.

To love.

To be loved.

And feel it.

To show compassion and understanding to others in a way that I can also show to myself.

To feel the energy around me.

To turn off the noise.

To breathe. To listen like it's the first time I could hear.

To touch with intent.

To believe in others.

To believe in myself.

To see myself the others see me.

To treat my life moments with dignity.  Expression.  Love. Understanding. Grace. Truth.

To be honest to others.

To be honest with myself.

------->  Whoa.  This is some seriously deep stuff.

Next direction:

That’s it. It doesn’t matter if you’re a counselor or an engineer or a bodybuilder. To some people this exercise will make perfect sense. To others it will seem utterly stupid. Usually it takes 15-20 minutes to clear your head of all the clutter and the social conditioning about what you think your purpose in life is. The false answers will come from your mind and your memories. But when the true answer finally arrives, it will feel like it’s coming to you from a different source entirely.

For those who are very entrenched in low-awareness living, it will take a lot longer to get all the false answers out, possibly more than an hour. But if you persist, after 100 or 200 or maybe even 500 answers, you’ll be struck by the answer that causes you to surge with emotion, the answer that breaks you. If you’ve never done this, it may very well sound silly to you. So let it seem silly, and do it anyway.

Ok.  So I did it anyway.  I guess I didn't go long enough.  Or maybe deep enough.

Maybe the social conditioning has me beat down cause I didn't cry.

Maybe I just need to go back to bed and think about it in a couple hours when I do get up.

Yeah.  I like that idea.  

Maybe when I wake up I'll try and conquer the world too.