Then & Now

Yes. My dog is sitting on my tree skirt.

Then & Now

 

You know how life changes sometimes?

I've been thinking a lot.  (Imagine that, right?)

Well, everytime I step out of my shower....I look straight into a picture frame filled with pictures of a person that I don't know anymore.

Actually...a whole lot of persons I don't know anymore.

They are photos from my wedding.

Don't mind the creepy Santa. Check out his little smile!March 3rd, 2007 weekend.  In Key West, Florida.

A time that prior to this past year I would say was the best weekend of my life.

Now?  

Not so much.

I guess because I'm really starting to look at things differently.

And being able to let go of the past easier.

You see...those people in those photos have all faded away.  Every single one of them.

My beautiful living room.Except for my husband and I.

Those people?  I honestly can say they're people that I don't know nor care to get to know anymore.

Those people were my 'friends' at the time of our marriage.  Or at least..so I thought.

It's really sad when I look at those pictures.  

Cause I can look into the eyes of the ones there and know what happened next in their lives.

I can't even really go into detail here because for one.... my husband would shoot me for talking about others. 

I still can't believe I made that. Pinch me.But two...even though I have no interest in those people..I don't want to disrespect them.

Let me just put it this way.  One has died....one has been to rehab twice and almost died.  One lost their husband before the wedding being left with an infant and a toddler.

There were 60 people at our wedding.  And when you take out our families...that leaves about 20 or so friends.

It's so weird to think about it.  Because as I look into those pictures when i step out of my shower...I hold and harbor resentment against so many of them.  Because when I was at my lowest in life...they probably wouldn't have spit on me if I was on fire.

Or at least at that point in my life...I felt that way.

They hadn't 'fallen' yet.  So through their eyes, I was a miserable mess.  They didn't want to deal or care about what was going on with me half way across the country.  They all had 'better' things to deal with. 

Funny.  Cause when their insanity came up and they were grasping at straws...there was no one there to help them pick the long straw.  And in a way?  For a few of them I got this 'See asshole.  You sure aren't as perfect as you thought you were afterall' mentality.

Warped-I know!  I swear.  It's my thinking again in this Gemini head of mine.

I think about them a lot.  

I miss one dearly.  So much so that I probably think about her once a week.

She'll never return though.  And I feel like a sense of me could have helped her.

We could have helped each other.

But I'll never get that chance.  

Another?  Was my best friend.  Or so I thought.  The other?  Was my husbands best friend. Which he still is.

But I don't want anything to do with that person.

I know this sounds so harsh.  Cause in reality it is.

But 4 out of the last 5 years of my life...all I wanted to do was to be that girl again.

The one I see in the picture when I walk out of the shower.

I loathed to her be her so badly that I never really looked at the big picture.  

You know... the ones who were surrounding me there.

To them it was all just a party.  

Heck..to my husband even it was a party.

To me?  I knew that weekend was going to change my life forever.

And here I am.  Sitting in my comfy chair.  Lights flickering on the mantle and shining from the top of my gorgeous Christmas tree.

In a house that a year ago I called a 'coffin'.  A place where people go to 'die'.

Holy Morbidness-I know, Batman.

But at one point in my life?  I felt like I was dying in here.

But in the past year I've really opened up my awareness.

And looked into the Light.

And now?

Instead of seeing things for what I think they should be......

I see things the way they really are.

Because I continue to look into the Light.