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Journey

Remember Me?

Hi.  

My name is JOEY. 

I use to frequent this site and drop down some words...ahem... OFTEN.  

But this 'mom thing'?  Yeah.  Took ahold of my freetime 100%.  It's kind of a bummer really.  I mean, I have this gorgeous now FIVE MONTH OLD human that I have hardly shared with you!!  If we're friends on Facebook (ahem @JoeyFortman) then you likely have heard my whimpering on there.  

But sadly, I've let this 'blog thing' slip to the side.  A LOT this summer.

I've been busy.  REALLY busy.  

I spent two weeks in Illinois visiting my family.  That was an interesting, yet educational and rewarding experience.  I also cleaned out my house and had a MEGA yardsale to get rid of STUFF.  That turned out well.  Still a garage filled with 'stuff' that needs to find a home. 

I then spent 10 days at the shore at the most beautiful place ever!  Cape May, NJ is my 'love nest'.  I just LOVE it there.  I was there working with Cape Resorts Group (the best company EVER!!).  I have soo much to share with you about them.  So many great things they do year round.  So come back here for that one.

And then this past week I was in Chicago because I produced and co-hosted 2 parties with The Big Toy Book with over 1,000 people coming in the doors!!

Yeah.  My eyes are crossed too.

Now?  I have about 4 minutes before I have to pick up my #2 at the sitters.  

How about you?  What has your summer been like?

PS, i put a pic of my little family up top.  Just in case you forgot about us.  =)

Life Reality

I needed a break.

I'm sitting here, high on life from an amazing meeting in NYC yesterday that 20 minutes ago had me on cloud nine while working on a video project that is on deadline.

Then I hopped on facebook for a second to share my news from yesterday with a friend because I couldn't hardly stand the thought of not sharing the excitement.

Then I see in my feed the sad news about this sweet little Kentucky boy named Lane Goodwin.

I was turned onto him when I was sharing my experience and interview with mothers like Sharon Snyder from Kisses for Kyle who lost her son 14 years ago. 

Some Kentucky friends asked if I heard about him because Lane was making this Facebook sensation.

I started following him...and like thousands of others in this world fell in love with his captivating personality.

So in the past few months-when their facebook page popped up in my feed, my heart would skip a beat.  I knew this sweet boy was so sick.  And in my heart I prayed that with all the love and support they got around the world he would survive.

And today... I saw the words 'gained his angel wings'.... and here came the tears.

This is the 2nd child that I've followed along through social media and prayed for.  

Gosh, my pregnant brain has my memory hijacked right now so I can't remember the little girl from before.  I know I wrote about her on here-so I'll have to do some digging.

But in reality.  God has taken 2 babies from this Earth.

As a woman who has a beautiful, healthy 4 year old...and by the grace of God-one baking beautifully in my belly.... I am so scared to be a mother.

I think about what my life was like before being mother.  And I thought that being successful was what life was about.

But as soon as I crossed that threshold from no kids-to one kid-I'm jailed by the love of my child.  He rules everything in my heart.  I made him. I gave him life.  I worship him.  And the thought of losing him?

I fear what God has planned for me.  

But yet, there is this sense of me that gets angry.  Because if God is THE GOD...the one we're taught to love...then why would God even take babies away from this world by cancer?  Why would cancer even be apart of creation?  

It bugs me.  Did we as humans cause this?  Was it the devil?  Was it greed?  What on Earth brought this horrific disease into our world?!?!

Or any disease for that matter.

I can't even fathom....as a mother what mothers go through in their hearts when they loose a young child.  

God, I love my child so much.  I'd give all my limbs for him and baby to be to never experience the kind of pain cancer and diseases cause.  

I am wayyy too emotional for my own good today. 

But grateful for today that my life is filled with healthy childhood laughter.  And love.

And hope for a cure.

 

To the Baby Boy in my Belly

Yep.  You see that right.  We went to the doc on Friday for the anatomy scan and there was one little extra bodypart.  

IT'S A BOY!!!

I knew it all along.  Mainly because my sister has 3 boys and that's just the luck in our family. In a good way.  

But my husband was convinced that it was a girl.  He kept saying 'but this pregnancy is totally different' and I kept saying 'BECAUSE I'M SO MUCH SMARTER!!!!'.  I've done really well with the weight gain.  I'm not even 1/3 as emotional as I was the first time around.  And with facts, no pregnancy is ever the same. 

He was totally convinced.

Once I knew all the baby parts were there and that the baby was healthy from the scan...I felt a sense of sadness for my husband.  I knew that I wanted another little boy in my heart...but a part of me wanted him to have a little girl.  Mainly because I know of the love I have with my dad.  Something about girls and their dads.  

But for me?  I made out like a bandit.  Boys love their mamas.  My Boston just worships me.  He says the sweetest things in the world to me.  Everytime I'm wearing something other than yoga pants (lol) and even sometimes when I AM wearing yoga pants-the kid always lights up and says 'Mommy, you look beautiful today!' or 'Mommy that dress is beautiful on you.'  

I mean really???? The kid is FOUR!!!  I couldn't ask for a sweeter child.  He is so loving.  He crawls up in bed next to me and asks for cuddles.  Are all little boys like this with their mamas?  Cause if so-I want 10 of them!!!

To the Baby Boy in my Belly:

 

Dearest Boy X,

I'm not really sure what we are going to name you.  I know it has to be special, different and fun like your big brother, Boston.  I'm so excited to see you two play.  I know we have a couple years before you two chase each other outside...but I know you are going to just worship and adore your big brother.  And Boston is going to take you under his wing and be the best big brother EVER.  He loves you so much already.  Just so you know...every morning he kisses my belly and says 'Good morning in there!'  He knows all about you.  And between you and me baby brother.... when we asked him what he wanted he ALWAYS said a baby brother.  

You're going to have a life of love.  With so many people in this world vying to hold you...play with you....give you kisses.  My hopes is that you might possibly have my blue eyes.  Although the odds are stacked against me...with your daddy and big brothers beautiful brown eyes, there is a glimmer of hope.  But the biggest hope of all little dude-is that you HAVE eyes...and you can see out of them.  

I pray every single day little dude, that all your parts are growing perfectly.  I pray that you come into this world easier than your big brother did.  I pray that as your life continues, you continue to have great health. 

And I also pray little dude.... that I start to 'like' sports.  =)  Cause with 3 boys & and male dog in the house?  Eh.  I'm gonna be outnumbered.  

Love you sweet boy.  Can't wait to kiss your precious cheeks.

Love, yo mama.  

 

How To: Forgiveness

How To: Forgiveness

 

I've been kind of in hiding the past few weeks.  Only sharing the things I'm committed to.  And trying really hard to not share my thoughts.  

I know many of you come here not for the commercialization I throw at you.  But the truths in my words and in my heart.  

My words and heart may not be agreeable.  But it's me being REAL.  

I mean, afterall my website is 'Real Mom in the Media', ya know.

For a few years now I've been battling some things.  Ok, many things.  

But right now we're going through some major changes in our lives... that I just can't wait to share with you.

They are wonderful and glorious changes.  Filled with love and joy.

But out of respect to my husband-I'm not able to share yet.  

But in this process of transformation...I've had a really heavy heart on some things.  Instances where I even wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if I'm ever going to be able to get past my feelings towards individuals who have hurt me.

And forgive them. 

I'm so tired of living in this bubble with ugly anger towards these people.  I try to block them out of my mind-but since they are woven into the thread of my life, they keep coming back.  And instead of saying to myself 'it's ok.  It's not you, it's them'.... I find myself thinking conversations through of what I would say to them.  Then going off and always coming full circle back to my hurt feelings.  

Let me ask you this.  How come when you open your heart up to someone and share your vulnerabilities, struggles and life lessons...they turn it around when they are annoyed or disgusted with you and use it against you?

Why do we as human beings do such evilness?  

I know I'm not like that.  When someone tells me something about themselves...I hold that in my heart for them.  I don't judge them for their decisions or actions.  I know I'm not perfect.  But I also know never in a million years-if a friend or family member told me something personal about themselves that showed their deepest vulnerabilities-would I ever bring that back up to them in a haunting way later on.

No matter what stupid things they said or did to me.  

That's their story.  Not mine.  And it's only their right to live it...and tell it for that matter.

I have such a hard time forgiving people who hurt me that way.  And right now.. as much as I just want to move on and feel good about it.  I can't stop thinking about them.  And then other thoughts cross my mind about them, then this flast out anger builds up.  And I go off to my little private room.  Like I am now.  And sulk.  And google about 40 times 'how to forgive and forget'.

Crazy, isn't it?

One of the best sites I've found so far in feeling warms thoughts is Tiny Buddha.

Their quote had me ruffled a bit.  Maybe cause I want to relieve this weakness of mine.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

The article '30 Tips to Let Go of Anger' really touched me.

#4 Struck a cord:

"Remind yourself that they are not separate from you; they only appear that way. Then you will realize you are one, and it is yourself you are forgiving."

#19 is a good one:

"The harder it is to forgive someone else, the more I am responsible. When I understand and forgive myself, forgiving others is easy."

And #28 pretty much hits the nail on the head.

"Just look to the future instead of focusing on what’s past…think of creating new good memories to wipe away old bad ones."

It's been a long time since I've seen these people in person.  And candidly, I don't have any interest in seeing them every again.  But for the sake of my lifestyle.  I have to.  

But when I do, wiill I no longer be weak and will I be strong enough to stand proud and believe in me?  Will I know that no matter the words and hurt that came from their mouths, they don't define who I really am?

I feel good. Better for now at least.  Maybe I should have spewed my words to you a little earlier.  Maybe that's a start of forgiveness...

Now off to rub my Buddha Belly.  =)

(Ahem.. Buddha Belly means more than just the jolly guy on my living room shelf.  Be sure to come back later this week for the real reason..xoxox)

How do you forgive and forget?  

 

Reflections at 3am

Reflections at 3am

Oi.

Do you ever wake up at night and find that you just can't sleep.  Then your mind just starts going into overload and your thoughts begin to swirl in this tornado like motion?

Yeah.  I'm having one of those right now.

It's really random how it all started.

But what got me up and on my computer was the thoughts of how grateful and thankful I am of my life.

Right at this VERY moment.

Ever find yourself thinking that way?

You see, I'm actually at Avalon Golden Inn at the Jersey Shore for a couple days. 

I put on this amazing event yesterday, "Blogger Beach Bash" where we brought down (from NYC) Matt Long, a sandmaster from the Travel Channel Show "Sand Masters" to create a gorgeous sandcastle and teach the bloggers & their families how they do it themselves.

I can't even begin to tell you what an amazing guy Matt is.  And his wife Nina?  A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!!

I met them last month when I was in Cape May and Matt was making a sandcastle for Congress Hall and their 10th anniversary.  I was there for a media event and right before I was to head home, I headed down to the beach for some R&R.  

I walked up, did some fun videos (that you can catch on my Social Cam page) and instantly fell in love with Matt and his wife.  I had such an awesome conversation with Nina.  We totally connected on so many levels.  They are just totally amazing people!!!!

So of course, I had to get him to come to our Blogger Beach Bash. 

Although, I have a post coming very soon about how great that event turned out.... there really is a different point to this whole 3am reflection.

While laying in bed, unable to sleep....I had flashbacks of the past 5 years of my life.

Last month I turned 35.  And in May-I wrote in my journal (yes, I actually have a written book. You think I tell wayyyy too much here? lol No-idea! haha) but I wrote that I'm 'eliminating things & people in my life that sucked the life out of me the past 5 years & I'm focusing on moving forward with the life I live today.'

I meant so many things with that. 

You see.. there have been people, places & things that have completely hurt me.  Dragged me down.  Took advantage of me.  You name it. 

The people saw someone in a vulnerable state.  Trying so hard to reinvent herself.  And did what they needed to so it would make them feel better.  

I look at where I am today.  July 25th, 2012.  And I see and feel a whole new me.  

Those wounds that for years haven't been able to heal...are now healing.  

There are people in my life, sad to say, friends that were my best of friends 5 years ago...and even family members that I once would have jumped the moon for.....who I have completely severed ties with.  They aren't and haven't been apart of our 'new life' in Philly and tended to make their own assumptions of us (particularly myself) and they had absolutely no idea what our lives were like.  They just saw and heard of the 'bad things' and made their own judgements and the other 99% of the time they had no idea what we did or how we lived.  Our lives weren't bad-but I allowed their judgements to make me feel like I was bad.

I allowed them and their actions to hurt me for long enough.

I heard a quote once this past year-and it has completely resonated with me:

Forgive me, for using you, to hurt myself.

Strong words, right?

I think about the life I lived in Chicago 5 years ago and beyond-and I am 100% a completely different person today.

What's amazing?

I love this life.

I am grateful for the rough time I had the past few years in order to be where I am TODAY.  I'm grateful that we moved away.

If I wasn't for being in this 'internet space' like I am, I would have never met so many amazing and truly inspiring 'real life' people.  

I mean just yesterday.... I found myself humbled and full of grace being around bloggers who truly inspire me.

Mary Ellen lost her own dear child.  She's an advocate for children's rights in hospital care.  The death of her own child could have been prevented and Mary Ellen lives every day helping other families to avoid situations like her own.

Lisa is just a dear soul.  I've had her on my radio show a few times and I truly admire everything about her.  Her entire story just amazes me.  Lisa has a little boy who was born with a missing chromosome and has autism.  Her story and the light she shines on children like her own son brings tears to my eyes.  Her son is adorable.  And Lisa is so positive about her life challenges.  She advocates for other children and she does so with such grace.  And she's damn good at it too.  

If I would have stayed in my little dark hole and pouted about losing my job, moving away, a workaholic husband, lonliness, family that didn't visit, blah blah blah.... 

I would have never met or have been touched by these women.  

I would have been caught up in that same 'June Cleaver' bubble that I was living in and not really got to see what life can really give you.

Yes.  Radio & TV has a sense of definition in me.  Being this country girl who 'made something from her life out of the country' was very important to me when I was under 30.  When I wasn't a mother.  

Now?  Pfft.  I could care less if I never go back to that full-time - ego-centric 'non-reality' again.  

It amazes me when i think about how I worked at so many radio stations TARGETING women 25-44 RAN BY MEN.  

Those men have absolutely no idea what women really live like in the world. 

I now know...they don't sit in their cars waiting to hear the answer to a cheesy trivia question.

These women LIVE.  They LOVE.  They really multi-task to be able to function in this internet insane world we live in.

They advocate.  They love.  They cry.  They LIVE.

So eliminating the negative has brought on some really amazing positive.  And people that really mean things to me and my family.

What a concept right?  

Stop trying to be what everyone else wants you to be and be who you really are.

 

Ok.  Guess it's time to try to fall back asleep before this little monstor laying beside me decides to wake up.

"Mommy, can we go to the beach?"

You bet we can kid.