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Teotihuacan in Me: The End of the Beginning

Teotihuacan in Me:  

The End of the Beginning

 

Here I am.  Sitting at my desk.  On such a NASTY day!!

I feel compelled now that I'm getting back in the swing of things to really share with you more about my trip to Mexico.

My last day in Mexico..I haven't shared yet.

The night before-I took part in Alberto, the keeper of The Dreaming House's birthday party.

Mexicans DEFINITELY know how to throw a siesta!!

The Basilica in Mexico CitySeriously!

They had a big band and fireworks.  Plus the cake was TO DIE FOR yummy.

I honestly think I've been 'on vacation' since I got back!  I haven't been able to get it together.  My brain is still floating on top of the Pyramid of the Sun.

I have to get my game on this week.  Especially since the real world bills are SCREAMING calling out my name.  (So much so that the VERY first conversation with my husband this morning I got back was about 'how much money did you spend?'...Ahhh....oh how some things never change.....)

Hats at The Dreaming HouseBut I'm still in that Mexican mentality.  Chill!

Teotihuacan in Me: Day 4 Pyramid of the Sun

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Top of Pyramid of the SunTeotihuacan in Me:  Day 4 Pyramid of the Sun

Well, today is the last full day in Teo.  

I have to go back to the 'real world' tomorrow.  The leaders of our journey here like to call it 'the Matrix'.

Totally makes sense if you think about it.

We live our lives in America (and elsewhere for all I know) going through the motions in life.  Barely putting effort into the daily things we do.  Letting the magnetic forces pull us into every which direction...good...bad....and the ugly.

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Pyramid of the SunAnd so many times in life-that magnetic force just sucks the life out of you.

Takes all your energy.  Dreams.  Thoughts.  Opinions.

Transforms you into what they think you should be.

In reality...life should be not what everyone else thinks you should be.  

But by being who you REALLY are.

By tearing off the layers of the crap that you have compounded from your "story".

For me....I look at the sequences in my life and in the past year-while trying to climb my way out of the Post Partum portal I've been living in...I've become much more mindful and aware.

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We all put special objects in the middle before an amazing ceremony of GRATITUDE on top of the Sun. I put my wedding ring in there...So much so-that I have really realized that I created my own madness.  That because of the layers of mud around my heart-the light couldn't shine. 

Or more so, that I just wouldn't let it. 

I heard something this weekend that completely and totally resonates with me.

And I'm going to add it to my arsenal.

By looking back on my life...and the times when I held onto resentment.  Anger. Disappointment.  

I'm going to approach the person in that snapshot...and tell them "Forgive me...for using you..to hurt myself."

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Through my eyes on the top of the Sun.I mean think about that for a second.  

The times when I held onto resentment towards my husband for leaving me behind while his professional life took off like a rocket ship.  The times when I cried because my parents were days away and I didn't have any friends in this new town and 'new mom' life.  The times when I mentally felt that I had my identity stolen to the time when I PHYSICALLY got my identity stolen... 

What a crock of crap.  

Really. 

I control my destiny.  

Close your eyes and remember back to when you were a very young child.  

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My beautiful friend, Denise..an top of the Sun.Or if you can't think back that far... LOOK at your child.

See them laugh at silly things.  Run around and play as if there isn't a care in the world.

Then imagine them 20 years later after the world got ahold of their thoughts.  Actions.  Responses.

As a child we take in nature....free in spirit...Before society programmed us to believe what they want us to believe.  That in turn created conflict within ourselves.

I can't even begin to name the daily doubts I've lived.  

I'm fat. I'm ugly.  I deserved it.  I'm not worthy.  They can do better without me.  I'm stupid.

And as adults...we live like we think we're suppose to live..and not who we really are.

I can honestly say...up until I stopped to 'smell the roses' (or the horse poo since I was on a Ranch lol) I really lost my authentic self.  I worried so much about what other people thought of me.  I held onto so much rejection and self-doubt.

Today was amazing.  The Grand Finale.  

Today we went to the Pyramid of the Sun.  

We climbed the top...all 248 steps...(over 20 stories in real-world measurements).

When we reached the top...the emotions went bonkers.  

1) I was proud of myself for reaching the top and not passing out.  2) The history I learned about this place and the power and energy that is embedded in its structure is enough to make anyone cry.

Or laugh.  Because that's what I did first.  I laughed.

Just like a little girl.  

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Little Girl in me...on top of the Pyramid of the Sun.As I watched the thousands of butterflies flying around us I put on my headphones and hit play on a very important song in my life.  The song that I danced to with my husband when we got married.

And boy did it fit.

Train:  When I Look to the Sky

When it rains it pours and opens doors...that flood the floors we thought would always....keep us safe and dry...

And in the midst of sailing ships...we sink our lips into the ones we love..that have to say goodbye.

And as I float along this ocean...I can feel you like a notion....that won't seem to let me go.

Cause when I look to the sky..something tells me you're here with me.. and you make everything all right.

When I feel like I'm lost...something tells me you're here with me....And I can always find my way when you are here.

And every word I didn't say...caught up in some busy day. And every dance on the kitchen floor, we didn't have before..

And every sunset that we'll miss...I'll wrap them all up in a kiss...And pick you up in all of this when I sail away...

And while I float along this ocean.... I can feel you like a notion..that I hope will never leave.

And when I feel like I'm lost...something tells me youre here with me...and I can always find my way.

Whether I'm up or down or in or out..or just plain overhead...Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly.

But with you I can spread my wings...to see me over everything...that life may send me when I am hoping it won't pass me by.

((Insert 30+ female wearing cowboy hat and pig tails JAMMING while standing on top of the 3rd largest pyramid in the world!!!!))

Teotihuacan in Me: Day 3 Pyramid of the Moon

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This was the 'panoramic view' from Pyramid of the Moon

Teotihuacan in Me:  

Day 3

Oh...what a day.  

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Probably one of the most emotional & intense experiences in one day-EVER!!!!

I can't even begin to tell you what the day was like.  Really.  Cause you totally wouldn't understand.  Unless you were there.

At that moment.  That time.  That place.

What I can tell you is that there is MAGIC that happens in this beautiful place of the Earth. 

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When we were on the grounds of the Pyramids-you can 'feel' the place.

Thoughts kept running through my head..wondering how they lived.  

Because I'm not lying...nor am I crazy......that place is ALIVE.  

We started our day by visiting the Palace of Tetitla. 

I honestly can't tell you about it...my words don't have any justice compared to the feelings I felt in there.

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I know that at one point it was a residential compound for priests.  And at one point-when they were 'sick'...they came there to die...

Is your hair standing up yet?!?!?!  Yeah.

The murals on the walls are extraordinary.  And if you really sit there...gaze into their eyes.  

They say you might start 'dreaming'......

I've never been great at remembering history.  But I always love to hear stories.  

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And with 1500 years of stories?!?!?

I can only imagine what happened at this place.

After Tetitla we headed up to the Pyramid of the Moon.

Directly in front of the pyramid-there is an alter.

We gathered as a group on top of the alter and took in the breath of the ancestors there before us.....

I know I've said this 1,000 times already..but I can not even begin to explain the feelings and emotions you get in this beautiful place.  The sounds...the wind....

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The vendors at Teotihuacan know exactly how to create the mood!!  They have these whistles called "Jaguars" then you hear flutes, drums, bells...sounds that you think you're imagining-then they become real.  It's wild. 

Wild isn't even the word for it.

The pyramid is surrounded by 12 temple platforms.

After taking in the air and feeling the strength of the plaza I decided to take the challenge of hiking up the steps.

Dear Heavens...I'm so damn out of shape.

But when I reached the top. I cried.  Not cause I was out of shape! hahahah

But because my emotions completely took over me.  

Overlooking and taking in all that I could see on top of that Pyramid...I yearned to have my family there.  

You can just feel the light and love emanating from the sky.

Teotihuacan in Me: Day 2

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As I sit here...peacefully.  I wish I could capture the movie playing in my head and share with you.

Today was amazing.  And I can't believe I have 2 more days of this glorious spirit.

I'm sitting against the wall of a house that is on the grounds that I'm staying at.

I came here with my friend Denise...and I'm meeting some extraordinary people.

Today was awesome.

Some of the coolest experiences came out of the day.

Everyone sees and feels emotions in different ways.  

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And everyone does their 'work' differently too.

For me-this is vacation.  This place is magical.  

I'm in line next to get a massage....ahhhh.  $60.  Can't beat that can ya?

If you're a history person-Teotihuacan was built over 1500 years ago.  And walking through the pyramids. Doing work on yourself....is life changing.

You see, the Mexican culture celebrates death.  In our country-it's a mournful event.  But to them the combining of the living and the dead is a beautiful thing.  Strange to some, I know.

I don't necessary believe or feel that way.  But they seem to value family and life as a just a piece of their story.  Their journey.  

There is something within Teotihuacan called the Avenue of the Dead.  Where as you walk through this long corridor-you enter different plazas that represents different aspects of life.  

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Each plaza has special meanings.  You can read the wikipedia on it to get the whole gist of it.  But as you 'transcend' down the avenue from the Pyramid of the Sun to Quetzalcoatl it represents a new step into the 'real world'.

Yesterday we started at the alter to the Pyramid of the Sun and went down 'to earth'.  Today we went the other direction.

And as you go 'up' towards the pyramid of the sun...you do a lot of thinking. hahaha.

You ponder what you want to release in your life.  And put it out there to the universe.  

It was an unreal experience.  

The whole point in reality-is how to deal with your emotions.  The good.  The bad.  And the ugly.

I really can't explain it.  I just can't.  But I can tell you this.

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I needed it.  

I've come a LONG way in a year.  Really.  Long.

And to be able to experience that-there is no way to explain it.  

You just have to live it.

The pic to the left is of me and my friend, Denise.  

We hadn't seen each other in a year-so we came on this journey together. 

There are a couple different ways to look at this experience. And often when I talk about the way I came out of my postpartum depression, I get blank stares as if I'm crazy. 

Just like when I said 'I'm going to Mexico..flying into Mexico City then heading to hike pyramids....'

I get that: "Are you out of your damn mind?!?!?  Have you heard about the drug wars there?!?!?!"  

And yes.  I have. 

And yes.  I was hesitant.

But nope.  I'm here. And so glad that I didn't let those little chatters in my ear change the direction my heart was leading me. 

That's what this place is about.  It's not about what you believe in.  But it's about how you believe.  And finding the light and spirit in you.

I'm a Christian.  I believe in God.  But if walking a labyrinth, cleansing in a sweat lodge & participating in mindful thinking while being apart of the serpeant feather of Quetzalcoatl?!?!?!

Then preach on.  

I can definitely say that isn't for everyone.  I say that because I don't think I would ever bring my husband here.  He wouldn't get it. (Nor would his A.D.D let him close his eyes and imagine the course of his life for more than 3 minutes before he bailed!  Not to mention-he'd end up having a crazed attack not being able to check the scores!!! lol.)  But I have some mom friends that would fall in love with this experience....

Ok.  So off to bed.  

Can't wait for tomorrows journey....

Teotihuacan in Me: Day 1

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Teotihuacan in Me:  Day 1

Here I am sitting.  Looking. Listening. 

My toes hurt.  My arms and chest are crispy from the sun.

We walked.  And walked. And walked.

We climbed.

And I felt my feet connect to the ground.

Getting Grounded.

About a year ago...I was fighting some pretty bad demons.  Now as I look back on it-I was really fighting my way out of postpartum depression.  Granted, my son was 2 1/2 at the time.  But because I never allowed myself to get treated....it snow balled.  And boy did it snowball.

To the point where I just didn't know who I was anymore. 

And I was scared.  Scared for so many reasons.  

I couldn't understand why I just didn't embrace my life.  Love my child.  My home. My world.

So I took a little break form the world.  

Dropped the insanity and made it stop.

I spent time riding horses, connecting with them in ways I never knew could be.

I walked to the end of dirt roads and talked to about a thousand cattle just looking straight at me.

I felt the rain on my face.

I cleansed my heart in sweat lodges & walked labyrinths.

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Then I went home.

To the world I didn't understand.

In a year....I can't even begin to explain how much I've grown.  

One of the biggest things I learned out if it...was to be true to myself. 

And as I sit here...my body aching...I have gratitude.

So much gratitude that I got to experience that.  To be who I am today.

And just like when your car needs a tune up.  Or an oil change.

You take it in...before you blow a gasket. 

(Ok. Bad example...I don't know anything about cars. lol)

But hopefully you get the picture.

And here's my picture.  After a day connecting with myself.

My spirit is full.  My heart is filled with love.  

And I get 3 more days of this.

Cheers.