Well... here I am. An emotional roller coaster trying to navigate my way to the end of the exit before I end up throwing up in a paper bag from nerves, sadness, stress...life, ya know. Trying to keep a dry eye today is almost impossible. ( MEGA Thanks to my dear friend Debbie for allowing me to get lost in my tears with you. And my amazingly organized friend Darla came over yesterday and fueled my heart with good and bad emotions too.)
Darla is working with the Just Between Friends Philly sale as an ambassador and she's been amazing in helping me clear the clothing clutter in my house. I have 3 racks full of baby, toddler & kid clothes plus some crazy awesome tips that I'm sharing in the next week with you so be sure to be on the lookout for that.
So between getting emotional yesterday with Darla as I was reminded that my baby isn't a baby anymore as I cleaned out his adorable -too-small clothes yesterday, him turning two, my dad struggling with walking and spending a week in the hospital after he fell...then the ups/downs of traveling last week. The cold. The stress. All of it can go fly a kite for all I care.
I'm not really sure whether the emotions I am feeling is totally because my 'baby' is about to turn 2 tomorrow. Or whether it's some other things that are going on in my life. But then again, it wouldn't be life if it wasn't filled with ups and downs, right? I just wish at this point I was feeling more ups than downs. But I guess most moms feel this when they know that they are forever past their own baby stage, right? Please tell me this is normal.
I can tell you that right now, my boy and his birthday are the most important thing on my plate.
There is nothing going to get in my way of celebrating with that little love this time. Last year, I missed this poor kids birthday. He doesn't have a clue. But I do. I was devastated that my flight from Kansas City got cancelled and I got home right when he needed to go to bed but we managed to throw in a cake, candles and a song. Last year my Mother in Law was in town helping with the boys because I was traveling so much. She did a great job at giving his special day merits of awesome. She even baked him a cake.
Here I am, a year later and it's time for me to reflect on Hudson.
There is so much guilt with this job. Guilt is so hard to release and move on from, isn't it?
So, I'm going to bestow upon you some of the learning lessons I've picked up with this little monkey in his short years of life.
Isn't he so freaking cute? It kills me how cute he is. Blonde hair & blue eyes. How could have God given me a more beautiful gift? So let's get out more tissues for the day and lets reflect on motherhood to me.
9 Things About Mothering An Almost Two Year Old
1) REPETITION. OH, my dear child how I love you. But you love to nail it home!! haha. For instance, when I'm trying to get dinner ready and you come in with your 'APPLESAUCE APPLESAUCE APPLESAUCE' chanting. Hudson, please learn "JUST A MINUTE PLEASE" a little faster, k? =)
2) YOUR LOVE OF GO-GO SQUEEZE. 'MORE APPLESAUCE MOMMY' Dear Go-Go Squeez, this kid is obsessed. That word is an understatement.
3) THE RUB A DUB THING THAT YOU DO. Honestly, the most amazing and most special thing that I will never ever forget about this kid is what is going to be the hardest thing to see go! I know it's going to hurt me more than it will you, kid. For sure. Hudson loves to rub shoe strings, stuffed animal tails, blankets....anything funky and soft on his binky. It's how he soothes himself. Wow. How am I going to survive that one? Eh. One foot in front of the other, right?
4) THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR YOUR BIG BROTHER. Oh dear Lord. Here come the tears again. Dangit. Ok, so Hudson - and Boston.. maybe you'll both read this one day. Maybe you'll both forever be the best of friends. Boston just adores you, Hudson. And Hudson thinks Boston hung the moon. The sweet things they do. They really are the best of friends. (Tossed in with a glimpse of wrestling...boys will be boys though.) There is definitely something special there between the two though. I hope it lasts. And there is a small part of me that is totally jealous of it because I hardly talk to my sisters. We have had some big bumps and bruises in our lives and not the best relationships between us. It's sad. But I'm chalking it up to the fact that we are females. Boys are just wired so differently.
5) YOUR TRAFFIC STOPPING GOOD LOOKS. Yes, kid. You're a freaking doll. Every single room you walk into the girls giggle and the boys want to kick your butt. =) Ok, maybe not the last part - but females LOVE your blonde hair and blue eyes! If only I had a camera rolling when your pediatrician told me that your eyes would stay blue. I was over the moon! I just couldn't believe it. I still don't believe it. Your daddy has deep dark Armenian eyes. So does your brother. I was convinced that there was nothing I could do produce a blue eyed kid. Toss in the blonde hair bonus? God is good. And I guess he wanted to help me out since the first kid, I was always thought of as the 'baby sitter'. ha. You're a hunk Hudson.
6) THE WAY YOU LOVE YOUR MAMA. Kid, tears are a permanent stain on my face today. What crinkles my lips to an upward grin is playing what I know would be your response to my tearful tirade. You would grab ahold of me kid. Pull me close to you. Your eyes totally focused on me and trying to take away my pain. Your sweet heart would touch my cheek and say 'mommy - mommy - mommy' with your repetitive personality and once we locked eyes? You'd have a 1/2 smile and say 'HI.' That two letter word is magic from you.
7) YOUR 'FRIENDS'. So, I started calling your stuffed animals 'friends' and you immediately caught onto it. It's so cute. Because at night - you make sure you say 'goodnight friends' to all of them. Right now your favorites are Mickey Mouse. (The big one you use to rub his tail on your binky often.) Also, last week when we went out to dinner you got a COW and you LOVE him as your friend! They are your friends little buddy. You can tell them all the stories in the world and they are the best of friends. They will listen to your every words, Hudson. They won't judge you or hurt your feelings. They are always going to have an unconditional love for you little dude. Just like your mama.
8) HOLD YOU, MAMA. Ya know. There was quite a few amazing things your big brother did that was sad to see go when he became a 2 year old. The biggest one I miss the most is the one you picked up. When you want me to pick you up? You repeat 'HOLD YOU, MAMA' till I do. And it hits my heart so deep that you only have to say it a couple times and I'm all over the words and the feelings you give me when you're in my arms. Oh buddy. The thought that soon I won't be able to hold you makes me cry.
WHY AM I SO STINKING EMOTIONAL????!?!?! CAN I PLEASE JUST GET THROUGH THIS.
9) SHOES ON! Hudson, you are so funny with this. You're obsessed with putting your shoes on! You pick up a pair and walk around the house with that phrase on repeat. It's awesome, dude.
10) THE WAY YOUR FACE LIGHTS UP WHEN I WALK INTO THE ROOM. Oh Hudson. Please don't ever stop doing this. I could be having the worst day ever and I'll walk into your preschool and that fast moment where you see me and there is nothing I want more than to feel the rush of your grin, your grasp, your run to me... it's something special that words can't even describe.
Hudson... today I grieve the 2 YEAR MARK. I definitely don't grieve any loss of love... but I do grieve the loss of little. The singing you to sleep. The lullabies that I played for you every night nearly of your little life. Holding you in my arms and rocking you to sleep stroking your cheek. Kid, you bring me so much joy. I can't even imagine my life with out you. You fuel me to be a better version of myself. One filled with more love and compassion for others. One who fears the loss of your little.
But today is the only day I'll grieve a bit. Because yes... it's the natural state of life and the cycles we go through. Knowing that we won't be wearing diapers forever or that you'll brush your teeth, speak in sentences, laugh at the silly boy fart jokes just like your brother.
I'm not the most spiritual person in the world. But I know that there is a reason why you were put into my life. God has so much more life for me to live with you. I can't wait to watch you grow up in the next two years, Hudson. May you always love life the way you do today little boy.
Your biggest fan,