My Life in Motion
Here I am. Monday morning after a week away.
I've been in this limbo place for some time. In a place where I'm not really sure what I want to do when I grow up.
Hudson was born February 20th.
And today is October 7th.
Ask me how much I remember from the past 7 months?
Yeah. That's really how I feel right now.
I went from being pregnant.....to putting my oldest in kindergarten in the wink of an eye.
The month of September was a big month for me in coming into who I am.
After my 5 year old was born I went from major market radio personality to an ordinary mom. I fought so hard and hurt so badly on the inside trying to really find my identity that it took its toll on me. And those around me as well. I hated the town my husband 'made' me move to, I was hateful towards everything that came my way. I was a miserable person and couldn't for the life of me figure out why.
I had always been this fun, outgoing, loving, jovial person. And here I was with so much going on in my head that it was affecting my life.
Here I am, another gorgeous baby and 5 years later and gratefully I'm a completely different person than I was then.
I battled myself so badly that it left me bruised and torn for years. I struggled with my identity and in 2012 I knocked the socks off myself and everything I'd ever done.
I was at the top of my game last year. And it all rolled into this year. My company nailed it out of the park. I was able to do more than ever before with my new 'identity' that I created for myself. Everything that I had set out to achieve-I did it. And more. And it all started from this little old blog I have right here. My conversations of the heart....with you.
But as I sit here, I have a confession to make.
After battling postpartum depression that wasn't accurately diagnosed until my oldest was almost 2 years old....I knew that I had to be very aware and honest with myself when I found out I was pregnant again. The first person I told wasn't my husband. It was my therapist! I was over the moon about having another baby. But I was also scared out of my mind about what happened to me after Boston.
You see, PPD is more than just the 'baby blues'. It's a chemical imbalance in a womans brain that fogs their thinking. And for me..when my brain was 'broken' ~ my heart was too. I did things that I wouldn't have normally done in my 'right mind'. I had more self hatred than any one person should ever have for themself. I had all these amazing things in my life that I just couldn't find the good in them. It was so puzzling to me how I could go from this happy person to deep sadness that physically made my body ache. I was great at hiding it. Mainly because I didn't want anyone to think I was 'nuts'. You know-that pathetic stigma that is put out there about depression and mental illness.
I did amazing when I was pregnant this time around. Everything was euphoric! I was on a pink cloud the whole time even when things happened to me that was out of my control...I was able to shrug it off.
Fast forward to baby born #2. I was answering emails within the hour of having a C-Section. Who does that insanity??? Me. A woman determined to not get tagged by PPD again. I had to keep pushing forward. Hard and fierce.
But slowly the reality came creeping up on me. Right after I came home from the hospital - i stopped taking pain meds and stopped nursing both in the same day. Yikes. NOTE TO ANY woman after having a baby...wean yourself slowly on both medicine and nursing. Cold turkey was not good for my chemistry and I tanked.
But no one on the outside knew it but my husband. I kept saying give me some time...just let me grab ahold of this. I knew exactly what was happening. And once again, I beat myself up over it.
I remember one day this past spring, right after I had Hudson thinking to myself 'I would never talk to any other person the way I talk to myself. This has to stop.'
So I of course did what I've done my whole entire life. Put my focus into something other than myself.
And well...it didn't work as good as I had hoped. I had some slips along the way and a few busted eyes and egos...but in the end, my biggest life lesson was confirmed to me again.
Slow down. Focus on what is really the most important.
I can't tell you countless times I've gotten tweets or facebook messages saying 'you always are having so much fun' or 'you have the best job' or 'you have the luckiest life' and so on.
What wasn't really known was the aching going on in my heart. I came across as a light in so many lives - when all I wanted was to see the light at the end of the tunnel....
I beat myself up everyday about my weight. I have had to take down wedding pictures on the walls because when I'd see them they would make me cry. I even had to switch out pictures from when Boston (my oldest) was a baby cause when I'd see them they would trigger this guilt inside of me that was crippling.
For YEARS I had to do this. Getting healthy after Boston was rough. (Hence, why we waited so long to have another...)
Now? Those images are back on the walls. Back in plain sight. In my heart with a different feeling.
I guess what I'm saying is - after doing everything for prevention when I fould out I was pregnant with Hudson a year ago - I still managed to stumble. It wasn't even 1/10th of what I battled when my oldest was born...but I'm human. And as a human we aren't perfect. We do things that may or may not be healthy or helpful to ourselves and those around us sometimes.
But what is great about all this.... I struggled really bad for 4 months after Hudson was born. And this past July i NAILED it. I put everything I had into 'getting well' and loving myself without judgement. I started taking a DBT course - which has been amazing and so awesome for my sabotaging self habits that I've had my entire life. The past 3 months I've been able to look at a situation with my WISE MIND and not react from my emotional mind.
It doesn't matter what you may think about a person. They may look like they've got it all figured out on the outside...but we have no clue what is really going on in their hearts.
Since I've had to 'be in this mom moment' more often since mid August - I've had the opportunity to enjoy more time with Boston. (We hit the beach and Hersheypark all before kindergarten started and it was FABULOUS!) I am able to take him to the bus in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. I got closer to him and love every second of it.
And with baby Hudson. Isn't he the sweetest thing? My husband and I were convinced that since Boston was the best baby on the planet we were in for a doozy. But we were both wrong. Hudson, dare I say, is even BETTER than Boston was as a baby!
The blessings in my life are beyond apparent. I just wanted to rush by them for so long that I never allowed myself to really feel the moments. I was off to the next thing.
Well, not anymore.
After this past week with my adorable baby in the best little town in the whole world...I am recommitted to what is most important. And that is being present in my kids' lives. It's great to have 27,000 facebook 'likes' ~ over 20,000 twitter followers ~ a business bank account that is positive cash flow and not negative...it's all amazing to know that it all started RIGHT HERE. From this 'little old blog' and a 'big leap of faith'.
But - i got here from being me. Living life & sharing my truths. And that is where I need to be.
I've slowed down so much...that I can actually take my dog for a walk. Clean my BATHROOMS even!
Life is good. And the memories I made last week with not a soul on the beach in Cape May but me and my little human is priceless. Words can't express how awesome it was to see his smiles. To feel his heart beat while snuggled under an umbrella in my lap watching dolphins swim by.
What is most important in your life? Can you honestly say I'm glad I did this or that?
I can assure you - when we go - we won't be saying 'I wish I would have tweeted more' or 'I'm bummed I missed that event or conference call.' I know I won't be.
I worked my tail off to find a purpose when all along that purpose was right in front of my face. I just needed to feel the feelings and live in the moment long enough to see it.
Happy week to you, friends. xoxoxo ~ Joey