Real Mom Reality
Ever just wake up from dreams that you wish you could take away?
For quite some time now I've been having dreams about people who have hurt my feelings. And I wake up replaying things that they've said about me and to me in real life. I've woken up being short and not so friendly to myself and my husband.
This morning was the worst.
I've pretty much stopped sharing my real self on this site because I got so much backlash from family. They just can't grab the concept that this place WAS a place where other women had support. Where I had support. That this website has been what healed me from postpartum depression. Yeah...some things they said about me giving too much info was understandable. But they had their egos in the way. When in reality....my words here are not about them. They are/were about ME.
But I actually just stopped everything for the sake of argument.
They've shut up which has been nice.
But I've also been left with my feelings. And they keep festering. Especially as much as I get closer to having this baby. Seven weeks out now.
I can't wait to look at his innocent little face. He's mine. I made him. My other son has a heart of gold and I just pray every single day that this little guy is just as healthy and loving as he is. I can't lie. I have unbelievable fears. Fears that maybe I ate something that tinkered with the making of his brain. Or that I may have done something to attack his organs. WHAT is WRONG with me???? To think these fears. I often wonder if men think this way. I'm guessing probably not since they aren't the ones who go through the process for 40 weeks.
In this pregnancy I've had some pretty crappy things said to me from people who are suppose to be supporting me. I can't even begin to tell you how heartbreaking it was with some of the responses from people when they found out. My personal friends and family were thrilled. But there were some not so close that made their opinions heard. Yeah. It stung to hear 'Well, we're worried about your mental health' instead of 'that's amazing! Congratulations!' I even had someone say to me that my own son never said my name when they were around them. Who says that? Yeah. I'm trying so hard to forget those awful, judgemental words of people who have no idea who I really am. Heck, I shut them out of my life 2 years ago and so glad I did. Because I finally could get rid of their words in my head and heal from one of the scariest things I've ever gone through. Postpartum depression.
My PPD lasted just over 2 years. That's INSANE. It should NEVER EVER last that long. It festered and never got well because I was so damn worried about what OTHER PEOPLE thought about me that I forgot how to love myself. And be kind to myself. I beat myself up with a baseball bat pretty much every single day. And I allowed 'those people' to toss the balls at me till they drew blood.
I just stepped away from my computer and took a shower. Dressed my kid. And sat down in the babies room with these absolutely gorgeous throws that one of my nearest and dearest friends gave me that she crocheted for the baby. I hugged them so tight. And cried my eyes into them. They are so beautiful and comforting. And the woman who made them for me? She has been an amazing friend to me. She was here when I went through the past couple years. She knows I'm great. She tells me so all the time. Which makes me smile. And I do the same. It's funny cause I'll just text her in the mornings sometimes 'You Look Beautiful Today'....even though she's likely rocking the yoga pants like I am. But even though I don't 'see her'... I KNOW her. And she's IS beautiful. Inside and out. We always seem to have the right words for each other at the right times. She's an outstanding human being. She's like me. HUMAN. Not perfect. But progressing everyday in life. She's also the creative type like me....ahem... can you say emotional? hahaha.
So maybe that's what I do in the coming weeks leading up to bringing this little dude in the world.
I'm going to come in this fresh, new room in our house. The new - clean - loving feeling that this room carries is a bright light in my life. When I'm feeling that haze of hurt take over me - I'm going to grab these throws & feel their warmth and allow the love in them to fill love in my heart.
Where is your special place that you go to feel goodness about yourself?