Reflections at 3am

Reflections at 3am

Oi.

Do you ever wake up at night and find that you just can't sleep.  Then your mind just starts going into overload and your thoughts begin to swirl in this tornado like motion?

Yeah.  I'm having one of those right now.

It's really random how it all started.

But what got me up and on my computer was the thoughts of how grateful and thankful I am of my life.

Right at this VERY moment.

Ever find yourself thinking that way?

You see, I'm actually at Avalon Golden Inn at the Jersey Shore for a couple days. 

I put on this amazing event yesterday, "Blogger Beach Bash" where we brought down (from NYC) Matt Long, a sandmaster from the Travel Channel Show "Sand Masters" to create a gorgeous sandcastle and teach the bloggers & their families how they do it themselves.

I can't even begin to tell you what an amazing guy Matt is.  And his wife Nina?  A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!!!

I met them last month when I was in Cape May and Matt was making a sandcastle for Congress Hall and their 10th anniversary.  I was there for a media event and right before I was to head home, I headed down to the beach for some R&R.  

I walked up, did some fun videos (that you can catch on my Social Cam page) and instantly fell in love with Matt and his wife.  I had such an awesome conversation with Nina.  We totally connected on so many levels.  They are just totally amazing people!!!!

So of course, I had to get him to come to our Blogger Beach Bash. 

Although, I have a post coming very soon about how great that event turned out.... there really is a different point to this whole 3am reflection.

While laying in bed, unable to sleep....I had flashbacks of the past 5 years of my life.

Last month I turned 35.  And in May-I wrote in my journal (yes, I actually have a written book. You think I tell wayyyy too much here? lol No-idea! haha) but I wrote that I'm 'eliminating things & people in my life that sucked the life out of me the past 5 years & I'm focusing on moving forward with the life I live today.'

I meant so many things with that. 

You see.. there have been people, places & things that have completely hurt me.  Dragged me down.  Took advantage of me.  You name it. 

The people saw someone in a vulnerable state.  Trying so hard to reinvent herself.  And did what they needed to so it would make them feel better.  

I look at where I am today.  July 25th, 2012.  And I see and feel a whole new me.  

Those wounds that for years haven't been able to heal...are now healing.  

There are people in my life, sad to say, friends that were my best of friends 5 years ago...and even family members that I once would have jumped the moon for.....who I have completely severed ties with.  They aren't and haven't been apart of our 'new life' in Philly and tended to make their own assumptions of us (particularly myself) and they had absolutely no idea what our lives were like.  They just saw and heard of the 'bad things' and made their own judgements and the other 99% of the time they had no idea what we did or how we lived.  Our lives weren't bad-but I allowed their judgements to make me feel like I was bad.

I allowed them and their actions to hurt me for long enough.

I heard a quote once this past year-and it has completely resonated with me:

Forgive me, for using you, to hurt myself.

Strong words, right?

I think about the life I lived in Chicago 5 years ago and beyond-and I am 100% a completely different person today.

What's amazing?

I love this life.

I am grateful for the rough time I had the past few years in order to be where I am TODAY.  I'm grateful that we moved away.

If I wasn't for being in this 'internet space' like I am, I would have never met so many amazing and truly inspiring 'real life' people.  

I mean just yesterday.... I found myself humbled and full of grace being around bloggers who truly inspire me.

Mary Ellen lost her own dear child.  She's an advocate for children's rights in hospital care.  The death of her own child could have been prevented and Mary Ellen lives every day helping other families to avoid situations like her own.

Lisa is just a dear soul.  I've had her on my radio show a few times and I truly admire everything about her.  Her entire story just amazes me.  Lisa has a little boy who was born with a missing chromosome and has autism.  Her story and the light she shines on children like her own son brings tears to my eyes.  Her son is adorable.  And Lisa is so positive about her life challenges.  She advocates for other children and she does so with such grace.  And she's damn good at it too.  

If I would have stayed in my little dark hole and pouted about losing my job, moving away, a workaholic husband, lonliness, family that didn't visit, blah blah blah.... 

I would have never met or have been touched by these women.  

I would have been caught up in that same 'June Cleaver' bubble that I was living in and not really got to see what life can really give you.

Yes.  Radio & TV has a sense of definition in me.  Being this country girl who 'made something from her life out of the country' was very important to me when I was under 30.  When I wasn't a mother.  

Now?  Pfft.  I could care less if I never go back to that full-time - ego-centric 'non-reality' again.  

It amazes me when i think about how I worked at so many radio stations TARGETING women 25-44 RAN BY MEN.  

Those men have absolutely no idea what women really live like in the world. 

I now know...they don't sit in their cars waiting to hear the answer to a cheesy trivia question.

These women LIVE.  They LOVE.  They really multi-task to be able to function in this internet insane world we live in.

They advocate.  They love.  They cry.  They LIVE.

So eliminating the negative has brought on some really amazing positive.  And people that really mean things to me and my family.

What a concept right?  

Stop trying to be what everyone else wants you to be and be who you really are.

 

Ok.  Guess it's time to try to fall back asleep before this little monstor laying beside me decides to wake up.

"Mommy, can we go to the beach?"

You bet we can kid.