Living the DASH

I don't know what's going on with me right now.  

I can't stop thinking about this whole 'cancer' thing. 

No, by Grace it's not me.....but just out of no where, I've got friends chasing from it in so many angles.

I have a friend who told me a couple weeks ago that she was told that she had colon cancer...another friend who just in the last week got a double mastectomy.....another friend who is in the throws of treatment with throat cancer....and ANOTHER friend who I just went back and forth on twitter not too long ago who died on February 6th from cancer.  

Yet my heart is so heavy.  It makes me so sad.  

I've not been the funnest person to be around either.  My husband tells me I have a negative attitude.  That even he doesn't want to be around me.  Even last night....I felt like all he really wanted to do was call me out for something that had nothing to do with the sadness I was experiencing.  I came home and hit the bathtub...cause that's where I go and 'reflect' often.  He came to check on me-but the entire time I truly felt that he wasn't there because he wanted to comfort me...but because he wanted to bust me on something.  

Something that has nothing to do with my heavy heart.  

He ended up walking away.  And I ended up yanking it out of him.  

But in the end.....all it did was amplify those feelings I was having.

What feelings?  The ones where I wonder if I was one of those people close to me fighting for their lives...would he be there for me?  Would he turn off the games, close the scores and actually be present with me.  I beg for that kind of relationship.  Don't we all?  I mean even with Boston I have to take away the iPad or turn off the tv to get him focused on me.  And what we're talking about.

I know we all want what we can't have.  And when things happen to us in life there are often 'I wish I would have, could have, should have' all over the place.

A few months back he came home from a funeral and shared something that resonates with me.

The pastor shared a story about 'The Dash'.  It's a great story.  Getting you to really think about the dash in your life.  You know... the year you were born DASH the year you die.  The "DASH" and how you lived it.

And I often wonder if I'm in the right place.  Right town.  Right house.  Right world.

 And if the dash that I leave my son someday is the right dash.

I'm a good person.  I do things for others.  I don't steal, cheat...

But yet..I don't care about the 'nice house', jewelry, luxury...I just don't. 

I think what it all boils down to is what I care about...isn't as important to others as it is to me.

I think this insane conversation in my head is entitled to one big thing.

That's a trip home to see my mom.  Something about moms and their love for their children.  

Doesn't matter how old you are.  It always fills your heart up with unconditional love.

Enjoy your day....