Whitney Houston Moment
We all have our own personal thoughts. Feelings. Opinions. And more about the loss of an incredible Singer.
For me personally, that's all I know her as.
A Singer. Musician. Celebrity.
I actually got the chance to interview Whitney years ago and for the life of me this past week I can't find the interview. One of those regrets I carry personally. Not keeping up with the memories I made in the height of my career. It went by so fast. I'm not saying it's over-but my 20s are a blink in my eye.
And I was just a dinky radio personality.
I can't even fathom the life of a star. Arguably one of the best pop stars of our time.
I remember as a young girl singing her music with the hair brush.
Seeing Whitney Houston from the outside view...not having a clue the struggles any human being not alone a celebrity deals with.
I remember so many times in my life starting as that young kindergarten girl who wondered if I was 'good enough.'
Will they like me.
My first ever play I wanted to get the role of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.
I was in kindergarten...it was in the early 80s...
I remember waking up that morning scared that I wouldn't get the part. Dorothy. Because I wasn't pretty enough. Or good enough.
I mean, I knew that I was about a foot taller than all the kids and that I weighed probably 50 pounds more. I fit more the role of an Ogre than this pretty little girl who gets lost in the woods wearing Ruby slippers and a furry little dog.
That day I went into school. And that day impacted the rest of my life.
Arguably the beginning of the battle that I have to this day. 30 years later.
I remember the disappointment. The sadness I felt. I didn't get the part.
THE PRETTY GIRL IN SCHOOL DID.
I was cast as Aunt Em. Which of course is better than a Munchkin or any other non speaking part.
But I didn't get Dorothy. I remember the feeling in my heart...the feeling and thoughts that took over my mind that has kept it hijacked ever since.
They didn't like me. I'm too fat. Too ugly.
Not good enough.
My mom was so proud of me. From that show forward to the zillion other plays & musicals I took part in during my adolescence she was there. Telling me how amazing I really am. How wonderful I performed. How I stole the show.
There were milliseconds that I felt those feelings of joy and success and a heart full of love.
I'm so blessed that my mom did that. She hasn't ever stopped believing in me. I'm so lucky in that regard that I didn't have one of those 'stage moms' that pushed me harder or even allowed others to put me down or put myself down. She never ever let me just 'give up'. I moved to LA all by myself and struggled. She would send me emails getting me pumped for the day. I auditioned and auditioned to no avail...till finally I got cast in Jesus Christ Superstar. To even after my fall into postpartum depression. While everyone around wanted to take me down...she was there to catch me and lift me back up.
My mom is a strong Christian and she always gave her kids warm, powerful words of confidence. She never pushed her Christian values-but you knew it. It was an aura of honesty around her...and by the Grace of God it still is. I'm blessed that my momma is still here on this Earth. And of course my heart jumps at the thought of how it could change tomorrow.
Even though I was raised with strong, honest Christian values..I still battle those demons. Even to this day. I woke up this morning and my brain is so trained to think negative thoughts about myself. No one else. But MYSELF. I looked in the mirror at my full length body and I cried.
I came downstairs and started into the routine of my day while my husband and son slept in.
Then I came across the video of Kevin Costner and it's as if the message couldn't be any clearer on a Sunday morning.
It doesn't even matter how ugly those demons are. I feel this force field of confidence surround me.
God is telling me-even through Whitney Houston-that I am good enough.
I am worth it.
It's amazing how we as humans have that false impression that celebrities or successful people shouldn't complain-they have it all. Or we'd think 'I'd die to be in their shoes...what kind of worries do they have?"
But one thing is absolutely clear.
We are all humans.
Not science, the internet, your neighbor, spouse-no one can change that.
We are all going to have ups and downs. No matter what they are. They matter.
As I watched the unbelievable eulogy given by Kevin Costner at the funeral...I heard him tell some awesome stories about not only a massive celebrity....but a human.
A woman who even as a little girl battled the demons that I have.
What breaks my heart about the whole thing which I'll save for another blog post (ahem-beware-soapbox) is the response that people with absolutely no idea who Whitney is, has.
'What a waste.' 'That's too bad.' Blah Blah Blah. Just because she has a history of substance abuse and they found prescription drugs and alcohol in the room does not give ANYONE the right to just assume that is how she died. It could have been natural causes for all we know. Obviously, mixing drugs and alcohol can and will kill you......but Xanax is prescribed by stupid doctors for depression and anxiety.
OK-ENOUGH ON THAT. I'm stopping my fingers for going there right now.
Don't think I didn't warn you of the forecoming though, ok? hahahah
So let me leave you with this. The outstanding eulogy given by Kevin Costner.
And even if it's just for today... remember...
You are GOOD ENOUGH.