I'm cold. And tired. And pretty much just in a funk right now.
Maybe it's the let down of wrapping up one insane past 4 months.
Maybe it's being pregnant.
Maybe it's exhaustion and nerves thinking about my plans for 2013.
Everything is so up in the air right now. A couple decisions I make could either make me or break me. Even set me back a couple of years.
But I'm having a BABY. In like 10 weeks.
And I'm scared I'm going to make the wrong decision on something.
I guess the fears of parenting to an infant again is setting in. Maybe it's my fears of postpartum depression again that is kicking in.
Maybe it's the lack of encouragement from certain individuals that can't move on from the past and focus on the new me in the future. (You'd die how many people have made snide remarks about me having another baby after the first. GRANTED, those people don't have any kids or never went through depression...but that doesn't give ANYONE the right to judge another or make them feel like a failure before they even have the chance to WIN...but, I digress.)
I don't know what it is.
Whatever it is.... has me hugging my mangy mutt in front of the fireplace right now.
With my eyes filled with tears.
I'm scared. Not gonna lie. I'm really scared.
It doesn't help that I interview these amazing moms on Real Mom Radio who have children with disabilities and how they changed their lives forever. Docs continue to tell me that he's fine and healthy growing in there....but I can't help but worry. Did I eat too much of the wrong thing? Did I make life threatening choices?
Being pregnant this time around, I've loved it so much more than with Boston. Mainly because I've 'let myself go a bit' and not dwell on the too much soda or too much sugar. Maybe that by not stressing myself out that's why I've only gained about 15 pounds thus far.
But so many things career wise are straight up in the air. And yet, I have that slight fear of guilt for not making the right choice. I know for a fact though, we can't afford to put the baby in school when he's born. So I'm going to have to try and juggle it ALL within the confines of my home....running a business...running a house...being a new mother....
And I have absolutely no idea what kind of child the good Lord is going to give me.
I guess there is a part of me that is being selfish. But I have reasons for it. I had no control when Boston was born...and my life spiralled out of control. I was a mess to say the least. Mainly because at that point, everything in my life that I worked so hard to achieve was taken from me. My career, my body, my life in Chicago. All of it wasn't something I wanted.
I'm scared to death that this little corner of me, that I've worked my tail off with blood, sweat & tears for so many years will dwindle to nothing. And there I am. Curled up in a ball in my closet crying my eyes out when my baby is sleeping.
I sure hope not. I hope that my husband learned too much from the first time that he doesn't sit back and watch me spiral into a scared, lonely, sad self. I hope that he really steps up to the plate this time and loves me more than ever before.
I hope that the love of my life, Boston doesn't battle the lonelies because his momma has to put 100% effort into his new little brother. I hope he doesn't feel left out. Or hurt.
And I also hope that this new little boy-who we've yet to come up with a name...make his room...give him a place in our home....is 100% healthy.
Maybe I've drank too much orange juice the past few months. Or maybe I just have to shut up and stop doubting myself.
You know what? I've been great and believing in myself when no one else did this past year. But I don't know if I have the strength to continue those positive beliefs in 2013. Only God knows.
And maybe I'm just sad right now that my dad called me this week practically in tears not knowing how to tell me that they can't come to our house from St. Louis for Christmas this year.
They've been here the past 3 years. My parents are my rock. They've stood by me this entire time. Picking me up every single time when everyone else laughed and pointed at me when I fell. I don't know if I would have made it without them there. It was a pretty awful feeling...and when I think about it..those feeling come rushing in like a Tsunami of fear.
My dad has to get a pretty major surgery 2 days after Christmas. And that big burly Green Beret is scared of the outcome. I know he is. He may have had to endure the Vietnam War in deep trenches...but yet his heart is as soft and golden of any man I've ever met in my entire life.
Oi. I have a mega meeting in an hour. And I'm sitting here sobbing. And drinking orange juice. haha. That makes me giggle. That little baby goes hog wild in there when I drink orange juice. OJ & biscuits are my craves this time around.
If you're pregnant...or if you've been in my shoes.. I'd love to hear how you handled and juggled it all. Cause right now at this very moment....I'm feeling less than in more ways than one.
Thanks for listening....