Life Reality

I needed a break.

I'm sitting here, high on life from an amazing meeting in NYC yesterday that 20 minutes ago had me on cloud nine while working on a video project that is on deadline.

Then I hopped on facebook for a second to share my news from yesterday with a friend because I couldn't hardly stand the thought of not sharing the excitement.

Then I see in my feed the sad news about this sweet little Kentucky boy named Lane Goodwin.

I was turned onto him when I was sharing my experience and interview with mothers like Sharon Snyder from Kisses for Kyle who lost her son 14 years ago. 

Some Kentucky friends asked if I heard about him because Lane was making this Facebook sensation.

I started following him...and like thousands of others in this world fell in love with his captivating personality.

So in the past few months-when their facebook page popped up in my feed, my heart would skip a beat.  I knew this sweet boy was so sick.  And in my heart I prayed that with all the love and support they got around the world he would survive.

And today... I saw the words 'gained his angel wings'.... and here came the tears.

This is the 2nd child that I've followed along through social media and prayed for.  

Gosh, my pregnant brain has my memory hijacked right now so I can't remember the little girl from before.  I know I wrote about her on here-so I'll have to do some digging.

But in reality.  God has taken 2 babies from this Earth.

As a woman who has a beautiful, healthy 4 year old...and by the grace of God-one baking beautifully in my belly.... I am so scared to be a mother.

I think about what my life was like before being mother.  And I thought that being successful was what life was about.

But as soon as I crossed that threshold from no kids-to one kid-I'm jailed by the love of my child.  He rules everything in my heart.  I made him. I gave him life.  I worship him.  And the thought of losing him?

I fear what God has planned for me.  

But yet, there is this sense of me that gets angry.  Because if God is THE GOD...the one we're taught to love...then why would God even take babies away from this world by cancer?  Why would cancer even be apart of creation?  

It bugs me.  Did we as humans cause this?  Was it the devil?  Was it greed?  What on Earth brought this horrific disease into our world?!?!

Or any disease for that matter.

I can't even fathom....as a mother what mothers go through in their hearts when they loose a young child.  

God, I love my child so much.  I'd give all my limbs for him and baby to be to never experience the kind of pain cancer and diseases cause.  

I am wayyy too emotional for my own good today. 

But grateful for today that my life is filled with healthy childhood laughter.  And love.

And hope for a cure.