Do you ever just stop and ponder your life?
I don't know. For me, it's going so fast right now. And I'm so scared of it.
I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. And I hate myself for it.
I don't understand why I can't stop hoping for my 'old life'.
The one where I was tall, thin, fit, gorgeous, successful.
I have so much resentment to my husband for so many things. It's like we're two totally different people. I blame him for moving me to Philly. Getting me pregnant where I ate the house and everything in it. Taking my job. All of it. It's been a battle for me for 4 years now. I know it's not his fault. But I hate how I want to blame him. I feel like he yanked my life right out from under me. Silly. I know.
I promise that I'm working on getting past it. And in reality I sure have come a long way.
I guess once we got married he expected a certain type of wife. And for me? I just wanted to be loved..that's all. I mean really loved. Smothered in it, I guess.
I can't honestly tell you the last time we kissed. Cause even in our wedding kiss it was uncomfortable.
I fell in love with a man who I thought was totally in love with me. Yet now....I don't think as much.
I think he's in love with his job. And his son. Not his wife.
Before? I'd have other things to fall back on when my relationships were out of whack. Now? Not only do I hate myself on the outside...I hate myself on the inside. I hate feeling this way. These feelings are so not fun.
But then again...life might be the same as in my 20s. And he may as well love me just as much. But in a different light.
I swear. If I had a dollar for everytime he said I was 'over sensitive'...I might have my own bank right now.
I know I'm over sensitive. But is it possible to get someone to become sensitive?
I look for his excitement though. And he's under his own pressure...so I can't expect that from him.
But then tonite my son said 'hold you mommy'. And it made me feel worthy.
On my trip I worried about so many things. I worried that I'd say the wrong thing. Spend too much money. Look like a fool. I felt that lonely dark person creep in. You know, the one that was eaten alive after her son was born.
I don't even know what the true takeaway from this experience was. I mean there were some seriously awesome connections. And moments that left me so inspired.
But what I do know is that I want to be happy.
I want to love myself. For me. And all my flaws.
I guess that's what I keep hoping for in my husband. To smother me in love. And to love all my flaws.
And yet..no one else can do that but me.
I look back on the 'old me' and see pictures of such a gorgeous person. Inside and out. All these pictures are from over 4 years ago.
Damn did I have it.
Why can't I just be happy with who I am today?
I know married life gets really hard sometimes. But never did I think it would be this hard.
On my flight to San Diego I sat next to this woman who had been married for 57 years. When I meet people like that-my first question is always 'how did you do it?'
And 99% of the time....you know what they say?
Have fun together. Laugh. Hold hands. Be silly. Give each other space. But most of all? Communicate.
After moving to Philly, leaving it all behind to start a family...the last 4 years have been painful. I can't honestly tell you when the last time I felt like I 'belonged' somewhere. I'm uncomfortable around my neighbors...other bloggers...jobs...I don't get it. How could that person just disappear?
I'm trying to build her back up. And it's definitely 2 steps forward 4 steps back.
And sometimes...there are days like today....
When I want to crawl up to my mom and say 'hold you mommy'. My insecurities are so much like when I was a little girl. I was a fat kid. I was a geek. But I always knew one thing...that my mother loved me just the way I am. Pretty much like she does right now.
But I'm a 15 hour drive away. I would move back to my hometown in 2 seconds if I had the opportunity. Seriously. Sadly, when I left-I swore I'd never go back. I was going to 'reach for the stars'. Now that I am a mom though...that has all changed.
So I'll dust off the tears. And crawl in with the one who wants to hold me. I'm so grateful to God for him. Cause that is one thing that I know I'm not insecure about. That kid is filled with so much love. His smile lights up a room.
I just hope he doesn't grow up with my insecurities.