Last Set of Sadness

Last set of sadness.  

I PROMISE.

As I sit here downstairs in the dark after everyone has gone to bed....I can't help but have the tears flowing.

You see...last week I was visiting my parents who I only see a couple times a year..and my heart broke when Boston and I left. 

To see that kids sadness when we were dropped off at the terminal just tore me up on the inside.

Then we returned late Monday to have my inlaws in for the first time in over a year and a half.

Tomorrow...they leave.

And the house is again empty.

I know I should be grateful that I have a house.  A husband who loves me.  A perfect child.

But I can't help but feel the loneliness creep over my entire body.

The one that has taken me down before.

The one that I have to fight off with fists of fury.

My husband goes back to his routine....working long days...nights on calls or doing work on the computer.

It sure doesn't help that we're going into football season and he happens to run a sports radio station in town.

Me?  Well...I'm not sure.

I know I have so many absolutely amazing things going for me.

But I can't help but feel my heart ache.

Cause I know tomorrow morning when my little boy wakes up...

The first thing he's going to say is "Where's grandma and Marvin?"

And I'm going to have to tell him that they had to go home.

And he's going to look at me with that ever heartbreaking face.  

Me?  I'll likely hold back tears...

Till I can get in the corner and have a second to sob.

Cause I surely don't want him to see me sad.

You can have all the things in the world right at your fingertips.

Success. Money. Car. Big house.

But nothing compares to the feeling of knowing that the people that mean the most to you are the farthest away from your fingertips.

Since I've had my son...I look at the world through different eyes.

Since we moved to Philly I've had the hardest time in the world trying to 'find my place'.

I've constantly been looking for that 'something' to give me fulfillment.

I think I know what that's been all along.

Family.

I've been trying to fill that feeling I feel when I'm with my family.

I know he's got friends.  Who are great to him.  I mean..my kid is a ROCKSTAR at school.  

But to see him jump off the diving board with cousins at my parents...or watch him play guitar with his grandma on the floor in my living room....

No one can ever take those memories away from him.

Or me for that matter.

I know my last few posts have been 'poor me poor me-winey pants'.  So sorry if my sappy sob story may have turned you off.

But I've got everything in this world at my fingertips.

But what I want the most can't even be touched.

So I'm going to declare myself.  Right here. Right now.

That I can't wake up tomorrow and allow the sadness to totally take over my body and mind.

I'm going to wake up with my head high.

And set goals.  

And if it's ok with you...I'd like to set these goals here.  Goals that I ask you to hold me accountable for.

Goals that will be a footprint on the web that will never be forgotten.

I want to be a better person.  I want to embrace every second of life I'm given.

But it's so damn hard to do it when my heart aches all the time yearning for love.

And family.

I can't help but giggle.  My husband seriously JUST went upstairs to bed like 28 minutes ago.  

And he's SNORING HIS FACE OFF.

I think I'm going to crawl in bed.  And embrace that frightening sound. lol.

Cause that's what I have to hold onto this second.

Thanks for listening.