Sadness

Sadness

 

I don't try to talk about the negatives here anymore.  I've really been trying to take a conscious effort to live in the moment.  

But today I think I'm going to allow myself to feel the sadness.

You see....Philly is not home for me.  

If you couldn't tell....I grew up in a small town in southern Illinois.  

When I was 18 years old, I moved away.  And never looked back.

Till I became a mom.

This past weekend I was there with my parents.  

And last night I left them.

I think what the hardest part was-when my little boy broke down crying cause he didn't want to leave his grandma and poopaw.

That just tore my heart out.

My parents have been married for 41 years.

I admire them so much for that.  Although they drive each other nuts at times...they stuck it out for the long haul.

And they definitely had some long hauls in there.

I've been married 4 years.

And I think everyday that my husband wants to give up on me already.

I'm a softy.  He's a hardass.  Two totally different personalities.

He grew up with his parents divorced.  Which is one big difference.

I didn't.  

So I don't really know anything else.

He's from the city. I'm from the country.  He lives to work-I grew up where my parents worked to live.  The thing that drew me to him the most was his drive and determination.  And since moving to Philly, that really came back and bit me in the butt, I tell ya.  Professionally, I couldn't be anymore proud of him.  Personally?  Well..we've had our struggles.  

Anyway, this past weekend....I stared at my parents intently.  Thinking the worst.

They are both getting up there in age.  

They both live the 'middle-America-Wal-Mart-World' life.

Processed crap out the wazoo.

My poor dad can barely walk now.  He has a pinched nerve in his back that has caused him to not be able to walk.

They both smoke like freight trains.

I really can't fathom losing one of them.

I have this guilt over me because I moved away.

I often wonder what my life would be like if after college I would have stayed there.

I sure know it would be a heck of a lot different than it is now.

And maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

I've come to really appreciate the small things in life.

Yes, I have a great house, a car, furniture...all that.

But can I honestly say I have love?

I'm not sure.

Being caught up in the rat race of life has definitely stolen some of that.  I've definitely done my share of stupid things.  But no matter how stupid I am?  My mom and dad still love me unconditionally.  They may want to string me up by my ears at times....

But they love me for me.

I spent the past 15 years running from that small town life.

And today?

I'd give anything to have it back.

Everyday I lose precious time.

And I feel horrible that my son isn't going to grow up with either of his grandparents around him.

I can't just hop in the car and visit them on a Saturday afternoon.

Or have them over for his birthdays.

Which he shares with my dad by the way. 

How cool is that?

My son was born on my dads birthday.

There are 365 days in the year.

And May 25th was the chosen one.

I miss you so much mom and dad.  

What I wouldn't do to be down the road from you.

Thanks for a great weekend.

And a sunburn.