Do you have it?
What a way to start out the week. Especially after a weekend of mega OVER indulging.
I came across this story someone posted on facebook. And had a major A-HA moment.
If you've followed my blog, you likely know I have issues with food. I was a 'fat kid' growing up. My parents were great about it. They didn't make my sisters and I feel bad or make fun of us like some parents do. (And those parents need a royal ass-kicking for doing it.)
My parents weren't over weight. My dad was a bit when he was a kid, but he was a Green Beret in the Army...and of course had to become a beefcake to do his job. My whole life I've said to my mom 'If only I could have gotten your bird legs, maybe I'd be 50 pounds lighter!' Which I seriously thought (and think) there is 50 pounds sitting on my thighs that DON'T belong!!
In 2000 I lost 65 pounds. (It wasn't easy-and I did it the wrong way. Over exercising and not eating.) Fortunately, after losing that weight I changed my lifestyle...and SWORE that I would NEVER be that big again. I kept every single pound off till the...ahem...day I found out I was pregnant.
Then ate the house and everything in it. Bad. Bad. Bad. It's something that today I struggle with. The guilt. My self esteem. The way I see myself.
Just ask my therapist I see twice a week who specializes in eating disorders. Last week I came in and told her how my heart lit up when Boston said to me the day of his birthday party 'You look pretty mommy!' And tears just filled my eyes. He wasn't prompted. Boston just said it out of the non-judgemental and goodness of his heart.
She then said to me, as I'm bawling like a two year old...'If only you could see yourself through his eyes.'
Thanks. Bring on MORE tears.
Anyway, before I create a puddle around my computer, I want to share what I came across today.
ABC did a story on food and Yale researchers discovered women who exhibit more signs of food addiction, when shown a pic of a milkshake, had more activity in areas of the brain associated with 'craving' than women who showed fewer signs of food addiction. AND In order to measure food addiction, the researchers used a scale similar to the one used to measure drug & alcohol addiction.
DAMNIT. THAT MEANS I'VE GOT A DOUBLE WHAMMY.
I'm the first to admit that I have serious issues with substance. In other words, just ONE piece of cake or just ONE cocktails doesn't do anything for me. Cause I continue to obsess over how I can get another piece.... I have that unfortunate mind trait of 'Just one?!?!?! If I'm gonna do it-I'm gonna DO IT!!'
In other words? Moderation is not a word I have in my brain chemistry.
I use to beat myself up over it. Hell, who am I kidding. I STILL beat myself up over it.
But with my lifesaving experiences I've had in the past year...I'm really coming to the understanding that God created me with that glitch in my brain. (Not blaming him, but he is the creator, no?!?!?! hahaha)
You may think-well if you have issues, how did you keep all that weight off? I'll tell ya straight up.
I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH JUNK FOOD OR ANYTHING THAT I KNEW I WOULDN'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER!!!!
I remember my friends stopping dead in their tracks when I'd have a BITE of pizza. They made it a game to get me to 'try things'. Little did they know. I'm an addict.
I look at my family history...and at the time when I had my food addiction under control-my sisters were running out of control with theirs. BUT-in their defense....at that time-I was an exercise addict. I obsessed over when I'd get to the gym, how long I could fit in...I obsessed over my looks 24/7. I weighed myself sometimes TWICE a day. And, if I can be blatantly honest with you...I was also purging. Disgusting. I know. But at the time-I was SO damn obsessed with not gaining weight...Thank God that I quit that then. Cause I'd likely not have teeth now.
Pathetic, I know.
The good news with the drinking of alcohol-now-I just AVOID it.
The bad news is with food-I GOTTA EAT!!!!!
So... here's my will to you. If you're reading and you have issues with food... watch these videos. They might help you in understanding why you can't stop. And they might help you in realizing...it's not that you just don't have 'willpower'. (I hate that word, by the way. Blah.) But it's in your chemical make-up. Yes, you have to work 10 times harder than others...but learn about it. I promise the more you understand your addiction-the better you'll be at getting it under control. And do yourself a favor...stay away from the bakery aisles in the grocery store. Don't know if you're like me..but I'm A SUCKER when I'm within 10 feet of it. ((My husband is the SAME EXACT WAY IF HE'S WITHIN EYE SIGHT OF A CASINO!!))
And... if you're a person who thinks that what I'm saying is complete and total CRAP. Meaning it's OUR FAULT, not our brains that we have issues with substance...then you better back off Barbie.
And be thankful you're not an addict. Be grateful to God that he didn't zap you with that brain chemistry.
And be COMPASSIONATE to those that do, would ya? And while you're at it-watch the 3rd video. It's SHORT, SWEET & to the point.
Cause it's people like you that make it that much harder for people like me to 'love ourselves'.