Ok. So I've had some wonderful people reach out to me since I shared my 'story'.
It's made my week post-Mom's Day to be the best... cause I really feel like I've connected with so many.
Seriously. I was FREAKED to even go that deep. And to even put it out there.
When I was doing morning radio, my life was an open book. (Lost a couple boyfriends because of it!!) But that just came with the territory.
And I've kept with that tradition. With sharing so much information about myself.
Except for this. This has just been one thing that I didn't want ANYONE to know about. Not even my own mother. I mean...she's my mom. She figured it out after a while.
But man alive. Did that time in my life suck.
My story was posted in Postpartum Progress's Annual Mom's Day Rally for maternal mental health.
I have to admit, my sensitivity took over a bit. Katherine, the founder and wonderful creater (I might add) shortened it up a bit...and it kind of hurt my feelings. But then again...I'M SO DAMN EMOTIONAL!
Ugh. Chill out, Joey.
So I decided to share it here.
Before I put myself out there again..I want to tell you that there is a reason why I'm doing it.
Because I don't want another woman to go through the hell I went through.
So, if you are suffering..or if you know someone who is... first send them to Postpartum Progress.
But also send them here.
On the right sidebar-I've added a tab titled 'Postpartum Resources'.
And here, I will share any and everything I find that may help someone with this illness.
My Postpartum Story:
When I was asked to write about my 'story' and where I am today...I wasn't really sure what angle to take. I could be my jovial self and share in a humorous & unassuming way the ups and downs of motherhood for me. But if I did that...I’d really be doing a disservice to you and to myself, for not being honest.
Afterall. I'm not a writer. I'm a tv host, radio personality, domestic engineer - but most importantly... a mom.
You see, in the prime of my selfish 'pre-baby' days I got married.
Moved across the country from Chicago to Philly....leaving behind the super success I worked so hard to achieve.
And I had just turned 30.
I spent the summer without a job-then got a great on air position with a top ranked radio station in Philly. Within the first week of my new job, I found out I was pregnant. Gained 50 pounds & 41 weeks later popped out a bouncing baby boy..not to mention a HORRENDOUS birthing experience. One where you end up in labor for 30 hours & later on a surgical table getting an emergency C-Section.
Yep. That was me.
The day I was suppose to return from maternity leave? My position was eliminated. The 1st time I had ever lost a job. The good news was that it wasn't because of my performance.
The bad news?
Still fat, in a new city, new baby, no job and a workaholic husband who didn’t have time for my rollercoaster of emotions.
That was the beginning of the downward spiral that leads me to today. To sharing the most vulnerable part of my life. Not because it helps me to heal, although meeting women who have gone through similar stories has given me enormous strength.
But because I know it's out there. That it happens to new moms every. second. of. the. day.
The pain. The fear. The loneliness. Having no purpose.
Here I was, with a husband in love with his son, his job and his 'adult life'. He definitely loved me too. But he couldn't understand why I was always so sad, negative & depressed. Of course not. After all I was having a pity party for one. Unemployed, fat, new city, no family, no friends with children, and fearfully alone.
It was horrible.
As I write these words and remember the days and nights of that loneliness.
Feeling vulnerable. Lost. Confused. Empty.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I'm not going to sugar coat it. There were days that I would lay in the closet while my son napped.... and cry. Cry so hard that my face hurt.
I was angry. Mad at my husband for not understanding. Mad at him for being too preoccupied to give me attention. Mad at my industry for taking away my purpose. Hurt that none of our family or ‘old’ friends from Chicago ever visited.
Outside our front door, everyone had absolutely no idea. They saw me as this 'cheery, fun, charismatic' person. Good thing I got something out of my college education with a degree in theatre. I sure was good at 'faking it'.
After 4 therapists, 2 psychiatrists, 2 visits to our family doctor, about 7 DIFFERENT depression meds, and a very bad attempt at 'self medication'........
I still didn't get the answer I was looking for. You'd think after how many doctor co-pays someone knew what was wrong with me!
Here I am... nearly 3 years later. I tried to figure it out in every way. From a stint at a ranch in Tennessee searching for a purpose, to completely loosing love & respect from family & inlaws. And even a life changing visit to the psych ward...
I was scared to death. I thought I'd never 'be me' again. I thought that I was a complete wash of a human being.
Then there was family. They thought 'oh-you should embrace this!' Basically telling me that 'I'm a mother now. And forget all the other things you worked so hard to achieve.' I'd smile. And give a fake chuckle. Obviously they don’t know anything about me and how hard I worked to get where I was going. To run from the ‘country girl with 6 kids working in a diner, a door greeter or gas station attendant’ small town stereotype.
I was not raised with the notion that women stay home and raise the families. My family was very poor. My father worked to put shoes on his 3 daughters and my mom worked so her girls would have health insurance. My mother taught me to work hard for what I want. To follow my dreams. That I could do absolutely anything if I set my mind to it.
And that I did.
I was in control of my destination. I was on top of the world. I had it all and assumed that the next door to open was marriage, baby, family, right?
But yet... here at the time when I should be loving life... I was looking for an end. A way out.
I recently have been diagnosed with bi-polar type II disorder. I still have trouble accepting it because I never had these 'symptoms' prior to having my son. The stigma that society puts on mental health can put anyone struggling back into that cold dark place.
But I want my son to know I'm a fighter. After the day he said 'Don't cry mommy. Wan't my binky?' I knew that was it. I refuse to let my child grow up thinking 'my mom is always sad. She sleeps all the time.' Makes me sick to think I allowed this illness to control me for the first few years of his precious life.
How could I have been so selfish? In reality-I should have been more selfish. I wanted to seal off my sadness through isolation & a fake face.
I didn't ask for help in the very beginning because I was so afraid. I cried, self medicated and harbored anger. My insides ached. And it just kept building up.
Don't get me wrong. I love my son. I'd jump in front of a speeding bus to save his life. After all... that little boy is what saved mine.
The one person who has kept me alive....is the one person who needs me the most...my child. I will fight. I will fight for an answer to this insanity that has been bombarding me for too long. And the more women I meet and hear 'their story' the more I know I'm not along, not crazy, not a bad mother or a bad person even.
Although, the past 3 years have been the worst years of my life....they have also been the best years of my life.
I am definitely in a better place now. Today. I can't tell you what tomorrow brings. But I can tell you that I am really working hard to accept this new life. Today? I live in the moment. I regret the past. But look forward to the future.
This new body. This new home. This new career.
The chemical changes that happen to a woman after a child is born is frightening. On every level.
If you are a new mom...struggling with a search of identity. You are NOT alone. Know that even if you don't hear or find the answer you want from doctors-keep searching.
Because what you are feeling is real. It's scary. And it affects so many women in the world.
I have been handed this new life for a reason. And I refuse to allow my son to grow up with a 'sad mommy'. Cause I'm not sad. I'm happy at his sweet smile. I love the way he touches my face when he sleeps next to me at night. I love the way he looks at me when I give him a cheap lollipop. I love the way he holds my hand when he's scared. I love the way he randomly says 'I love you Mommy'. I love the way he looks to me for life.
Because I can be there. Because I don't have to struggle like my parents did to give my child more than I had.
Because God has given me this chance to be a mom.