I just have to stop. Reflect. Feel. Enjoy.
These emotions are so raw. And for the past couple months I've been doing everything in my heart to really feel my feelings. To understand them and remember how they feel.
I've been journaling. Thinking. Talking. Wondering.
But most of all? Enjoying.
I have enjoyed every single second of the sweetness my son gives to me. He is so wonderful. I love how he says "I love you too, Mommy!" I love how he touches my cheek, how he runs to my bed and tugs on my arm in the middle of the night in search of his mommy. I love how he picks up funny things and says it. I love how much he loves me.
My husband says all the time 'it's unbelievable how much of a mama's boy he is!'
I obviously don't want his feelings to be hurt...but I also love the warmth my son's love gives me. I KNOW he loves me.
Quite honestly... that's what keeps me going.
I'm so glad I took the month of November to reflect on my life and really work on myself.
Although I wouldn't come close to say that I'm perfect - but I can say that I get it now.
I hate how I took my little man's first few years of life for granted.
After a lot of reflection and a WHOLE LOT of therapy...I'm really starting to get it.
I know now that everything in our lives just happened so quickly.
Marriage. Move. No job. Dog. Job. BAM - Baby. Friends death. Bam Baby. Job loss. Still fat from baby. Another job loss. Depression - Depression - Depression!!!
My therapist (who is AMAZING by the way!!!!!) told me yesterday when I was having an 'oh-so that's why I did that' moment - that I'm getting things now because my depression is being TREATED.
What a concept?!?!?!
I mean really. For 3+ years I've been fighting myself tooth and nail...Bouncing my thoughts and emotions around like a yo-yo. Trying every stinking anti-depressant ever created but STILL couldn't find happiness in things.
I know this is really on the personal side. But that's totally ok with me. Cause if my life could help you or anyone else out in any kind of way...then I'm totally in.
We were talking about how no matter what was going on in my life-GOOD and bad-when something great came my way... I would just dust it off like it was a total no big deal. And I found a negative about it.
If you've known me personally....you know that is NOT me. For 30 years I was totally a GLASS overflowing girl! And the past 3 years? Yeah. Wrinkled and dried out in the desert thirsty for more.
My therapist handed me this sheet - and I really honestly about fell out of my chair!!!
There was at least a part of me in every single behavior on there.
It's completely and totally frightening how similar my thinking has been since Boston was born!
I will tell you-if you have ANY sign of post partum-PLEASE... I beg of you... GET HELP!!!
Because it took me 3 years to get help-my depression landed in the gutter HARD.
Anyway-is this you?
This is list of things we tell ourselves to make us depressed, anxious, guilty or angry.
You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.
4.DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE:
You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or another. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.
5.JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS:
You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out.
The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact.
6.MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION:
You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement) or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick."
You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."
You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
9.LABELING AND MISLABELING:
This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: "He's a goddam louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.
From Feeling Good, by David D. Burns, M.D.