Sometimes, I wonder if I manifest this feeling on my own. 

I wonder if - maybe I would have done things differently in the past-this sadness and numb feeling I find myself feeling sometimes wouldn't be here.  I wonder if - on so many occasions - yet I still know the answer to the age old 'what if' question that it turns my stomach to think, yet continues to gives me hope.

I've said, as far back as I can possibly remember:  "Everything happens for a reason."

It really was my life motto.  It really was the way I lived.  Good and bad things happened to me on my way up in life.  But yet-I lived by the fact that I knew 'everything happened for a reason.'

Yet.  As I sit here.  Nearly 5pm on a Monday, the first day of summer.  Sun shining through my living room window.  Billowing on my arms like a hot torch. 

I can't help but feel the blues.

This morning, it started after I dropped Boston off at school.  The mommy guilt began to sink in.  When he started school last August... he loved it.  He never had an issue when I left.  And now, in the past couple months... as soon as I turn left off my street, I start to hear 'No. No. No Mommy.'  And yet.. I continue to tell him how awesome..and how much fun school is.  But when I take him in to his class... he clings to me, like I'm leaving him in some awful demonous place.  And he cries.  Oh Lord, does he cry.

I know that he gets amazing education at school.  His little school is amazing.  I'm such a big fan of his teachers, the staff and everything surrounding him when he's there.

But yet. 

I can't help but feel like a bad, evil mom for leaving him there.

Then I went to return some things to the store... then return home. 

To find myself sitting on the couch, watching True Hollywood Stories on E! - 'Hollywood's Ex-Wives"

Geez, Louise. 

Then I go take a bath, knowing good and well that so many people would love to be in my position-home- in quiet-can take a bubble bath in the middle of the day.

But I still find my heart aching.  Wondering my 'what if' answer will ever come true.

I harbor so much angst towards my husband sometimes for this life.  I know when we made the decision to move to Philadelphia 3 years ago that it was the answer to my 'what if' question.

Everything happens for a reason.

Yet.. I can't help but feel sad that my family is so far away...sad that I haven't embraced friendships here like I should.

I'm still waiting for the reason.

Or have I gotten it?

I know, go ahead and point your finger at me and say 'selfish b*tch - don't you see it?  You are BOSTON'S mom and MATT's wife, now.  That's your reason."

But I can't fully accept that as 'the reason'.

I just can't. 

I love my little boy with all my heart and soul. 

So much so, that even my husband tells me 'you can't go anywhere without that kid constantly calling out your name.'

But as I close my eyes, and let my fingers do the walking on the 1st day of summer, 2010.

I  feel the keys on the keyboard push to the words and hope to find 'the reason.'


Ok. My reason now is to get back to my regularly scheduled program:  Kimora Lee Simmons:  Life in the Fab Lane.