I haven't had much opportunity lately to really get down to a heart to heart blog.

I went home to visit my family...and it was such a warm yet saddening experience.  I love my parents and sisters so much...I get excited knowing that I'm going home, but yet find myself sad when I'm there.  I don't know why it's always hard for me to embrace my visits with them.  It wasn't hard when I lived in Chicago and made a visit home.  But living in Philly and returning home has always given me a heart filled with sadness. 

That sadness stems... knowing I eventually have to board a plane...and return to Philly...leaving them all behind.

We are ramping up on our 3 year anniversary of our move to Philly...and I can't help but ponder and think about the distinct episodes in my life from the past 3 years.  Prior to living here.... I always had positive and quite frankly awesome events in my life.  I always had a warm identity and always knew where I was heading.  I can't recall one time that I wasn't a gun filled with 'get out of my way-I'm gonna make something out of my life.'  Nope.  As I stop to think hard.  Not one time where I was down or feeling 'less than deserving'.

My husband moved to Philly, June 11th 2007.  One day before my 30th birthday.

Funny.  On my 30th birthday...I was on my way to do the morning radio show I hosted and I got pulled over.  Good old Chicago hit me with a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt (which stunk cause I ALWAYS do!  I had just gotten in the car from stopping at the gas station to get my daily caffeine intake at 4 in the morning.)  I got a ticket for not having a city sticker (which REALLY stunk cause I snuck by for 5 years without one.), and a couple other nonsense tickets.  I even said to the cop "ahhh... it's my 30th birthday today."  He said to me (in the deepest of Chicago accents) "Happy birfday from Mayor Daley."

Yikes.  But then... I still didn't have an ounce of doubt.  I remember thinking - oh well.  Not a big deal.  I'll just pay it and move on. 

But since I've been here....I don't know what it is.  But for some sad, rediculous reason...I can't grasp and enjoy the positive things in my life like I could elsewhere.

I mean really...not that I am negative 100% of the time.  But my life here has been SUCH a rollercoaster.  Some truly amazing things have happened - - 1st and foremost-I became a mom to the sweetest little boy in the world.  And not to mention..was still a newlywed to the sweetest man in the world.

But yet... I gained 60 lbs and only lost 40...so I dread(ed) being a 'fattie'. 

I got on the radio within a couple months of arrival to Philly... but then I found out the eliminated my position, 2 days before I was to return from maternity leave.  Talk about the beginning of post partum.

Then I got the amazing job hosting the show Better Philly.

I did that...but it was hard for me to be thrilled about it... cause I was still fat and was not thrilled with the way I looked on TV.

Damnit Joey.  Get it together.

Ok... I started to embrace my new life..body...child...SAHM 75% of the time, TV 25% of the time.

Then I got offered a job on Now 97.5..and was OUT OF MY MIND with excitement.

3 months later..that baby flipped formats and here I was again... 

Then today.  I did a really amazing event with the TV station I work for... and yet someone there brought something up that I was trying to move on from....  I about puked on my feet. 

It's like... everytime something good happens there is a pisser waiting around the corner to put out my fire.

So here, on the anniversary of my 3 years in Philly, I am making a vow and oath to myself.  To you.  To my family.

Remember that girl from the country that was on fire and there was no one stopping her?

Yeah.  She's starting to light up again.

So... move out of her way.  Enough is enough already.

I'm rethinking my process and making year 4 in Philly an unbelievable mission.

To the point that I'm really going to look deep into everything I do...and not allow an opportunity to 'fail'.

Cause that's just not who I was the first 30 years of my life.  (Yeah.  Go ahead. Do the math.  I turn 33 on June 12th.  Ugh.)

And by damnit.  It's not going to be who I am in the next 30 years of my life.


Thanks for the therapy session.. check is in the mail.