There really isn't many times when I write on here from my heart.
I feel like the majority is 'informational'....
But I feel compelled to share something true about me this morning.
If you've followed my blog...from years past..when I started... you know a lot about me. Cause then I shared more than I should quite a bit.
I suffered some really bad depression. Since we moved to Philadelphia. And this past summer I really started ripping the black tape that has been engulfing my heart for the past 3 years. That tape was squeezing the life out of me...and my heart.
Without boring you with all the details...in July...something happened to me that showed me and my family the truest of colors of this individual. Someone close to me accused me of something I did not do...and because of my depression...I never really stood up for myself. I just let them berate me and make me feel like I was the worst person in the world. And sadly, the person who did it? I've always been giving, thoughtful, considerate, sharing and kind to. Bottom line? They are just an angry person. Always yelling at their kids-crabby all the time. They don't realize their own faults-and enjoy putting other people down.
Nothing is worse than when someone accuses you of something-when they have their own serious skeletons in the closet.
I once shared with this person about some very personal things in my life. And they used it against me. Blaming me for something I didn't do, instead of taking responsibility of their own actions.
At one point in my depression after trying 5 different antidepressants, 3 therapists and 2 psychiatrists...I started to develop an unhealty relationship with alcohol.
I abused it in a since that I drank at times when I was sad, alone, angry, depressed... I abused it in a since that it wasn't in fun social situations.
I'm the first to say-that there were times when I 'self medicated' with alcohol to deal with all the things that was wrapping its tentacles around my heart. A lot of bad things has happened to me in the past few years...I had major postpartum depression. After Boston was born-I was still 40 pounds fatter than before...dealt with a death of a friend, to being laid off from a couple jobs..one of which was at the radio station I was doing afternoons on and it flipped to my HUSBAND'S station...I found out on facebook from the receptionist while I was on the air. Yeah. That was the worst. I was destroyed that my husband knew...but he didn't want to lose his job if he told me... I really felt like I was 'sleeping with the enemy'. Here we are coming up to a year (October 9) that it happened...and I look at that man and just cry at the thought of how I treated him. All he was trying to do was to save his family. After all...his income was paying the mortgage... Bless his sweet heart for putting up with me. Wow.
Anyway... back to the 'self medicated' story.
Yes. I abused alcohol. I didn't do it everyday. I didn't do it even every week. But where it was abusive...was that I wasn't 'enjoying' it. I didn't drink because I was in a 'celebration situation'... I drank because I was sad.
I abused alcohol to the point now that I don't even wanna look at it. Because I drank when I was sad-and by God's Grace-I just don't wanna be 'sad' anymore! haha. Even in celebration situations - I have no desire. When I look at a bottle of wine or a cocktail-I feel that weird sadness creep up... and NO THANK YOU.
This person accused me of drinking their husband's alcohol. ((Side note: Her husband has had 2 DUI's and an alcohol bracelet.)) And because of my opening up to her-she felt the need to take the pressure off her family and put it on mine. Take that and amplify it times 1,000. She claimed she did somethings that are unthinkable. To the point where everyone I shared the story with was floored that this person could do such a thing. They were awful & arrogant.
And the sad state I was in-I allowed this person to well..put it lightly.. make my life a living hell! hahaha. To this day...I haven't spoke to them. And they are the type of person that will never apologize. Because they are 'bigger than that'. It doesn't matter if it's an argument that the sky is blue -they are ALWAYS right. So for the sake of my sanity-and wellness...I've stood up for myself. I'm not backing down and allowing anyone to destroy me that way. EVER again.
And with that attitude-the cloud has lifted. And I'm living a much happier life.
Not to mention, since all the other attempts to end the depression wasn't working-I went back to the drawing board.
The place where when I was having struggles in life....I went. And it made me a better person.
Anyway, I'm over that one..and my point to my story here is this.
A friend of mine who was majorly depressed turned to alcohol to 'numb' their pain.
They never had a problem before. And suffered a broken heart-and drank... a lot.
To the point where they had a seizure from withdrawl.
And this is the 2nd person I know that it's happened to.
Talk about a wake up call.
After being apart of such a wonderful conversation inTheMotherhood, I've really wanted to share this with you.
If you are going through depression...of any sorts. Whether you are male or female. There is HELP. You are not alone. There are so many people who deal with it. Please don't be afraid to reach out.
And please...I BEG of you... don't think you can cure it by 'self medicating'. Because in the end-you will have way more issues to deal with than the issue you were trying to self medicate.